


The Sporkings of A Group of Assholes

by ThisIsNotADrill



Category: Homestuck, Percy Jackson and the Olympians & Related Fandoms - All Media Types, Sporking
Genre: Comedy, Drill get back to homework, Gen, Go to bed drill, Hijinks & Shenanigans, Hilarity Ensues, Insanity, Oh shit badfic, Screenplay/Script Format, Silly, Snark, Sporking - Freeform, The Prayer Warriors, Thomas Brown - Freeform, badfic, stan the watermelon - Freeform, wacky hijinks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-07
Updated: 2014-05-17
Packaged: 2018-01-14 23:02:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 20
Words: 21,522
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1282009
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ThisIsNotADrill/pseuds/ThisIsNotADrill
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Five people are forced to spork one of the worst fanfics ever. Hilarity, blood, and drunk Rose ensue.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. In which there is a lack of logic, and Meenah flips off God.

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, before you read this, let me warn you that the fanfic I'm about to have the characters spork is... Terrible. The entire time I read this, the Roman Catholic part of me wanted to jump off a bridge. This shit wasn't easy to spork. But I did it. You're welcome.

our sporking begins with five unlucky members all sitting in a theater  
Meenah: why the shell is this so important, anyway?  
Karkat: REALLY, IT'S NOT. THIS IS PROBABLY SOME KIND OF ETERNAL PUNISHMENT FOR BULLSHIT THAT HAPPENED WHEN WE WERE ALIVE.  
Forite: Now, now, ! can th!nk of worse than th!s...  
Rose: I'm not sure about that. This is earth fanfiction, and it's known for being poorly written.  
Karkat: IS EVERYTHING FROM EARTH TERRIBLE?  
Meenah: that wouldn't reely shock me.  
Forite: Kanaya, what !s th!s story called?  
Kanaya: *looks through the script* It Is Apparently Known As "The Prayer Warriors" By A Human Named Thomas Brown.  
Rose: Well, we might as well start with the author's note.

 

Chapter 1: Chapter 1

Believer in Christ: Hello Jesus!

Jesus: Hello my son.

Karkat: SO THIS SHITSACK SPEAKS FOR ME, NOW?  
Forite: *looking through the script* Oh dear...  
Kanaya: Well, He Certainly Has An Ego.

Believer in Christ: Am I saved by writing this story.

Jesus: Yes my son.

Believer in Christ: Good. Now should I go hunt down those Satanists.

Rose: *appalled* What!  
Kanaya: From what you've told me about human religion, that doesn't sound right... *fuck quirks*  
Karkat: You're not my fucking son!

Believer in Christ: Good. Now should I go hunt down those Satanists.

Jesus: Yes my son.

Disclaimer: I do not own the Bible, God does. I will not feel sorry for using Percy Jackson as it is evil and should not have a disclaimer.

Rose: Okay, but even if it is evil, you have to give credit...  
Meenah: how the shell did this kid not get arrested?  
Forite: I find it hard to believe that Karkat keeps earth books around...

Being Together The Army

Kanaya: I don't think that's grammatically correct...  
Meenah: ima just pretend they're all taped to eachother

Pride goeth before destruction, and an haughty spirit before a fall. -Proverbs 16:18

Rose: What?  
Forite: Well, at least he's humble!  
Kanaya: Forite, he thinks he can speak for God.  
Karkat: *reaches for the liquor*  
Meenah: *slaps his hand* no.

I am Jerry and I am a prayer warrior. I am a servent of the lord and will do anything to get rid of evil Gods. Lately the Satanic leader Percy Jackson has taken over much of the land, along with his Satanic Army and his girlfriend whore. She has sex with other people just to get Satanic money.

Rose: *pissed* Annabeth isn't a whore!  
Kanaya: Calm down, Rose...  
Karkat: Wait, but if this Percy guy is in a flushed relationship, wouldn't he be mad that his matesprit is pailing other guys?  
Forite: I never knew prostitution was evil. I mean, it might not be a good thing, but I don't think it's "evil"  
Meenah: don't think about it anemonemore.

That means that I have to get an army together of Christians, so that we can defeat the servents of Satan, and defeat his evil puppets, the false greek gods, who are in fact a lie created by Satan to poison peoples mind.

*collective pause*  
Forite: Can't you use diplomacy before resorting to war?  
Karkat: *facepalm* I'm not the only fucking God, moron!  
Kanaya: Am I to assume humans share a hive mind?

Take heed to thyself that thou be not snared by following them, after that they be destroyed from before thee; and that thou enquire not after their gods, saying, How did these nations serve their gods? even so will I do likewise. – Deuteronomy 12:30

Rose: *cringe* That... should not be in the middle of a chapter.  
Meenah: it shouldn't be there period.

"Hello my fellow Christian” I told Mary, who is named after Jesuss Mother. I and her are not dating, if you Satanic scum think that there is something Satanic going on. We are dating, but we are not having Sex until we get married. But because we are 15, it means that it is going to be while before we do such a thing.

Karkat: For the love of- are you flushed for her, or aren't you, you miserable inbred shitsack!?  
Kanaya: Who is "Jesuss Mother"?  
Rose: I... "Sex" shouldn't be capitalized. Unless it's a name.  
Meenah: maybe they name thier kid sex?  
Forite: I can forsee at least twenty problems with that...

"Yes Jerry, how are you. Have you been doing the lords biddings?” she asked me. I nodded my head and then she took out the bible and we read the first Chapter of Genesis, which is about the the creation of the world. We talk about how God was so good that he was kind to create a great world as we live in.

Karkat: *hides a smile*  
Rose: You know, that was almost nice, in a way.  
Forite: Hm. At least he seems moral?  
Meenah: *reading ahead* boy, you're gonna be glubbin upset.

He that answereth a matter before he heareth it, it is folly and shame unto him. -Proverbs 18:13

Then we discuss about how Satan had poisoned the world by inventing false gods such as Zeus and Venus, who were sex gods, which is against the Ten commandments.

Kanaya: Actually, Venus is from Roman mythology, not Greek.  
Rose: Stop putting bible verses into the text! If they /need/ to be there, work them in with the story!  
Kanaya: And I don't remember Zeus being a "sex God" per say...  
Meenah: he was, just not literally.

“I need an Army to defeat the evil leader Percy Jackson” I asked her. I wanted an army so that I could defeat this Satanist and his ungodly army. This is America which is a Christian nation, so Satanist, athesit, hindu, muslims, buddhist, and any other non-god fearing people, who worshiped false gods, should not be allowed in this God fearing Nation.

Rose: *speechless*  
Karkat: What! I don't give a shit if you warship me or not!  
Forite: I thought earth wasn't as violent as Alternia...  
Meenah: he wouldn't last a glubbin day up here.

We must get rid of them, and make them slaves, if they agree to being a fellow Christian. Once they truly believe in God and his son, Jesus, then would we release them to bring glory to God and his son. If they still did not believe, we would burn then, just as their fellow Satanist did when they refused to worship our lord Jesus Christ. “I want to bring Glory to God”

Forite: *appalled*  
Meenah: told you so.  
Karkat: *disgusted* No, that's not fucking glory, you sociopathic shitfaced piss giant!  
Rose: *eyes liquor*  
Kanaya: Rose, no.

>Skip the Bible verses

“Then I will show you my Christian friends. You will not find a ungodly one among them. There are as clean as you can get them” she told me. She had a her hair tied back so that it would not get in her and not look like a Satanic whore. She also made sure that her skirt did not show any of her legs, or else it would be a sin for a man such as myself to look at it.

Rose: What.  
Meenah: oh, reely? hey, crabcatch! *shows her legs off*  
Karkat: *turns a bit red* piss off!  
Forite: How does loose hair make one resemble a "whore"?

And that was when I got message that a follower of the Satanic leader Percy Jackson. He was there to force people in believing in false gods that made their followers get naked and perform Satanic killings.

Meenah: naked cullings? sign me up!  
Karkat: *hides his face in his hands* Oh just fucking kill me.

So I went down stair to face the false prophet. He was a believer in false nature gods, such as Pan, who is Satan in disguise. He had big Satanic horns, so that everyone that was Christian could tell that he was a Satanist.

All but Rose: *feel horns*  
Rose: Don't worry, he's just being a moron.

“Believe in my god Pan” said the Satyr. “I am Grover and I am servent of Pan and Satan, who are great gods. They are better then God and Jesus”

Meenah: *promptly gives the screen the finger*  
Karkat: Really, I'm pretty fucking sure that whoever this kid's "God" is, it's not me.  
Kanaya: *reads ahead* Let's hope so.

So to defeat this Satanic scum, me, Mary and one of her Christian friends that was there, her name was Ruth, prayed to God and our lord Jesus Christ, to bring down this false prophet. And behold, a group of locus came from the heavens and ate Grover alive. No part of his body, other then his guts and his brains, was left. No even his bones remained.

Forite: *disgusted* You didn't attempt negotitions!? Or any sort of parley? He didn't even attack anyone!  
Karkat: These are the "good guys"? What the fuck!  
Kanaya: *cringing* That's awful...

So we brought glory to God. We killed a sheep so that we can say thanks to God. Then we went back church and prayed some more. We read the Bible and how Paul convert many people to God. Then Marys friends came and we made them members of the Order of the Prayer Warriors.

Karkat: YOU DIDN'T BRING ME ANY FUCKING GLORY AT ALL, YOU PSYCHOTIC WASTE OF OXYGEN! YOU KILLED A FUCKING TROLL  
Kanaya: *quickly shooshpaps Karkat*  
Rose: Yes, conversion. Which you didn't even try.

Believers in Christ: Thank you for read this and I hope you have turn to the glory of God and his eternal son Jesus Christ, the greatest thing to ever happen to this earth. May all that read this be save. Jesus: You done me well son. Believer in Christ: Thank you my lord for giving me live and allow me to write this. Amen.

Karkat: NO, FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU UP THE WASTECHUTE, WITH A FUCKING CACTUS!  
Meenah: how many chapters does this thing have?  
Rose: *pause* ...twenty  
Forite: WHAT!  
Kanaya: I think we need a break right now...


	2. In which Karkat is speechless and Forite breaks into a rant

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, I spent more time on this shit than I should have. Yes, I could probably find a better way to pass the time on Friday, but because I am a masochrstic shithead, you get more of this. Also, I'm not doing the quirks because autocorrect is out of it's mind.

Chapter 2: Chapter 2

Believer in Christ: The Holy One has return.

Rose: *dryly* Oh, we're SO glad...  
Meenah: /holy one/?

Christ Himself: Yes you have. You have been blessed.

Believer in Christ: And with this blessing I will rid the world demons.

Christ Himself: The unholy ones are thee, Theia47, SonnyGoten, ImagingThings and TheBratMan.

Forite: Who?  
Kanaya: Presumebly readers of this story. They must have left negative feedback.  
Karkat: Good to see some humans call this fucker out on his narrow-minded crap.

Believer in Christ: Thee have wage war on our lord Jesus Christ and must be ridden!

Chirst Himself: And Alistairlevi13 for serving the dark lord Satan!

Believer in Christ: May all these wevil ones burn in hell! Amen.

Rose: "wevil"?  
Everyone: ...  
Forite: I'm just going to tell myself he's only killing bugs.  
Kanaya: That's likely a wise move.

Christ Himself: Bless my son.

Believer in Christ: Thank you my lord! Amen and amen.

Defeating the Whore!

Karkat: Well, since you think any girl that shows her legs is a whore, which one?  
Forite: To him, women with loose hair would also fall into that category.  
Meenah: *undoes her braids partway* viva la glubbin revolution

A prayer (speak it out load to be save, you unholy ones. If you do not do so, then to the depth of hell you unsaved souls will go forever!): I believe in everyone that is spoken with this holy word, and will follow it so the full command, even ridding the world of those flithly atheist! Amen and amen!

Rose: *slowly rubs her tempoles* This is ridiculous.  
Forite: *opens mouth*  
Karkat: *quickly covers her mouth* Don't you dare do anything this assmunch says.

And we met to plan a attack on those evil beings. We discussed their weakness, and their desires to turn the good Christian world away from our glorious one and only great god of all nation, our lord Jesus Christ (fear all you athiest, jewish, muslim, buddhist and all others that defy this great God that will punish you and send you to hell, where you will burn for in all eternal history, where your body will torn apart, and spread across a endless, lifeless land, where you will be eaten by all foul breast. You will all be punish, all of you. God does not put up with such evil things with this God fearing nation. And that nation is not just America, but all of the world. This is Gods world! And you athiest must convert, pray for all your wrong doings, and believe that our lord Jesus Christ is the one and only true God! Amen).

Meenah: shello, wall of text!  
Rose: *twitch* America offers freedom of religion, you idiot.  
Kanaya: Foul "breast"?  
Karkat: He has a fucking problem with women, we get it!

So we decided that we will attack a rational study group, for they work foul thins which the lord Jesus Christ forbid. We brought hundred of our most faithful servents to come along to see such Godful work!

Forite: ...  
Meenah: oh shit, hit the deck!  
Forite: This... is... UNFORGIVABLE! YOU DECIDE TO INVOKE FEAR IN THE GENERAL PUBLIC TO TRY AND MOVE OTHERS TO YOUR SIDE, INSTEAD OF USING A PROPER METHOD OF DIPLOMACY! GOING TO WAR AT YOUR FIRST CHANCE WAS BAD ENOUGH, THEN YOU KILLED A HARMLESS, ALBEIT ANNOYING, MAN! I COULD FORGIVE THAT, SEEING AS A THREAT WAS THERE. BUT THIS? YOU'RE HARMING THE PEOPLE YOU CLAIM TO BE TRYING TO SAVE! I CANNOT PROPERLY CONVEY HOW DISGUSTED I AM, THAT YOU WOULD BRING HARM TO INNOCENTS JUST BECAUSE OF HOW THEY THINK! NOT EVEN ALTERNIA WAS THAT BAD, YOU SCUM!  
*pause*  
Rose: I don't think anyone else can extend that rant...  
Karkat: *speechless*  
Forite: ...ahem. Forgive my outburst.

"All hail Stan” they yelled. “We will serve the devil. We will corrupt the nation of God to bring everyone too hell, where they will will burn for in all eternal history, where their body will tourn apart, and spread across a endless, lifeless land, where they will be eaten by all foul breast. We must KILL GOD! GOD IS DEAD!” I was so dishearten by this comment that I want to rip the mans head of and fed it to the dog.

Forite: *seethe*  
Kanaya: You know, in hindsight we should have never signed up for this...  
Meenah: gee, you think?

“Behold the greatest servent of the lord” I yelled to those foul things that call themselves people. “I have come to kill you all in the glory of our lord Jesus Christ”.

Rose: *high pitched voice* Instead of, you know, converting you! Like any rational person would!  
Karkat: *staring in disbelief*  
Forite: *unintelligible raving*  
Meenah: ...i think these two are broken.

“On behalf of our Satanic god Zeus, God of Whores, we will slain you all. And we will send to hell!” said Clarisse La Rue, the leader of such an evil gang. Mad as I could be, I ran towards her and sliced of her unholy, God-riding hair! Her head rolled on the ground as the unbelievers scream. As the began to run we cached up to them and killed them all. We left the bodies to rot in the group, for they did not deserved to be buried. We left people to guard the bodies, to stop any of the unbelievers into getting them.

Meenah: oh, he gave her a free haircu- wait... the glub is wrong with this guy!  
Forite: He doesn't even have the decency or honor to bury his enemies...  
Karkat: Holy shit, Eridan is more stable than this nooksniffer!

And we came across a temple that is a worship ground of the evil goddess Artemis, where she and her daughters kill holy lambs to the god of whores. And it made me sick!

Forite: At least they aren't killing innocent people... *rubs the hilt of her sword longingly*  
Rose: I'm not sure about you four, but I just started rooting for the "villans"  
Everyone: Same.

“You must all be punish” I yelled to the sinners, the filth of the Godful world that our lord Jesus Christ rules over for eternal history, ever and ever, amen and amen! “You must boy down to our God (the only truth that must be offered in this day and age) or witness the wrath of Jesus of Nazareth, who is the one and only true God! Amen. Commit!”

Kanaya: So they're filth, what does that make you?  
Karkat: A shitstain on Lord English' s underwear  
Meenah: Cronus's idea of a compliment.  
Rose: A terrible waste of carbon dioxide  
Forite: The last thing I attempted cooking.  
Kanaya: That was a rhetordcal question.

“We will never bowed down to your Godful kind, for we want to corrupt the youth and bring war upon the world. WE ARE THE CAUSE FOR EVERYTHING, INCLUDING WORLD WAR 1 AND 2, THE WAR IN IRAQ, AND THE VIETNAM WAR. WE WANT TO BRING SUFFERING TO EVERYONE! We will send every single God fearing Christian servents of the lord Jesus Christ to the death row! You will all be punished” said Annabeth, Zeus most famous whore!

Forite: You know, even if that whole spiel were true, I still wouldn't root for Jerry.  
Karkat: If "Christian servants" are all like that, then I'm all for executions.  
Meenah: did glubbin kankri write this shit?

“All praise and glory to Jesus Christ, to whom I owe everything” I declared to the Dogful and Christian like world!

Rose: Dogful.  
Everyone: *snerk*

Annabeth laughed. “Those ways are old and tired. Our way is much better” she screamed.

Karkat: *claps* Yes, call that asshole out!  
Meenah: finally, a likable beach in this shipwreck!

“But at least our way works! Amen” I said to the Satanic and filthful whore. So I charged at her, grabbed her hair, and dragged her across the muddy and filthful road, where I got an axe and sliced her head open, and let all kinds of Godful worms eat her alive, letting none of her brain to survive.

THE WHORE WAS FINALLY DEAD! AMEN AND AMEN AND AMEN!

*collective silence*  
Rose: Didn't she struggle?  
Meenah: *sarcastically* yeah, but she's a gill, so she's weaker than big strong jerry.  
Kanaya: Thank goodness Porrim isn't here.

And we had a holy party where we prayed to God and sang hymns of his greatness and glory. We did not drink, nor did we have sex, for that will make us look bad. We were Christians and did not live like those filthy Atheist that mush all die! Amen.

Forite: So pailing is a terrible crime, but murder of an innocent is-  
Karkat: *cuts her off* Peachy fucking keen.  
Meenah: hell, i think lord english is less glubbed up than this son of a beach.

PS: Priest do not have sex, so the church is not in trouble. It is holy and will be obey by all people!

Rose: *pause* I am too sober for this.  
Kanaya: *doesn't even stop her this time*  
Forite: You know, it was humorous at first...  
Karkat: *to Meenah* I think she might be more pissed off than I am.  
Meenah: thank cod im already dead.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There are very short gaps between updates. Because I'll go insane if this isn't all done tonight.


	3. In which we start a collection for Karkat's therapy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We may have broken Karkat...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to the guests who left Kudos! Haha, I hope you're all enjoying everyone getting tortured by this fic.

Chapter 3: Chapter 3

Believer in Christ: Who will burn in hell?

Jesus Christ: Anyone that curse ye profits such as you.

Forite: *has been strapped to a chair so she doesn't break the theater*  
Karkat: Profits? He makes boondollars from this bullshit?  
Meenah: who in their right mind would pay for this?  
Rose: Well, we DID have to pay for the script paper...  
Meenah: i said right mind  
Rose: Point taken.

Believer in Christ: Yes, and this includes lazorboy96, JzeHampen, G.J. Forever and PorschePower911. You will burn in hell for mocking me.

Jesus Christ: I will make sure that this comes true. Amen.

Karkat: That's not me.  
Kanaya: I almost feel sorry for those people...

A good new aroused to us today with death of the Satan being Osama Bin Laden. His death brought joy to all those that followed our ways. Mass murderers like him should never have been allowed to be born at all. His mother should have killed him at birth.

Rose: *doubletake* What is that first sentence supposed to say?  
Forite: *resigned* He was stimulated by death.  
Karkat: That... is the least disturbing part of this bullshit.

And so we prayed that God will destroy all other Muslims for they are evil and must be ridden off, along with all the nonbelievers and sex addicts. God and our lord Jesus Christ of Narrative will not let anyone like that enter their eternal kingdom, nor will they let them work across the holy earthen ground. God bless the United States of the Holy North American Continent and Precedent George Bush for leading this fight against evil.

Rose: ...Islam follows the same God as Christanity.  
Kanaya: Don't apply logic, he's just going to get worse.  
Forite: I hope this person never played sbrb.

And me and my girlfriend Mary, who is named after the Virgin Mary, who is also a virgin, waiting for me to marry her before we will have sex. We went to our room to read from the bible. Our gave her a private lesson on the third book of John. Although it short, it has many valued lessons such as ignoring false teachers such as Diotrephes who went against the true message of the church. We shall not allow people like these to mislead us ever again.

Karkat: Quit bringing up your quadrants!  
Meenah: he glubbin sounds like cronus.

And then went into main hall and Percy Jackson was there. He stood very tall looking down at us like David and Goliath, when they fought a battle to decide the fate of Holy Israel (If do not support Israel then stop reading thing for you will go to hell anyway).

Rose: *spittake* How did Percy get there!!!  
Meenah: how tall is this guy?  
Forite: Who cares? Let's hope he kills Jerry.  
Everyone: *scoots away from Forite*

“Convert to the false Gods of the Greek and to the unknown God foretold in the Holy Bible, in the book of Acts,” he yielded.

Rose: *deadpan* The unknown God was Jesus, you know.  
Meenah: does that make him on their side?  
Forite: I hope not. I like Percy.

“You have made a deeply mistake by taking me on heathen. Now you will be published by being sent to the eternals flames of hell where you will be whipped for ever by Satan for being fooled by him in the first place for he is evil and God is the great eternal thing ever. The unknown you talk about in the Holy Bible which is in the book of Acts is in fact the good of Israel, the God of the Bible, and the father of our lord and saviour Jesus Christ.

Rose: Ding! Correct!  
Kanaya: Did I read that right? He got something right?

It is you that has been fooled. It is not too late for you to repent and follow the ways of our lord Jesus Christ who died on the cross and was raised three days later. His death paid for the sins of everyone around the world and he wants to pay for your sins as well. We are all sinners. So repent and you will be saved.

Forite: You know, that could almost pass for a good speech.  
Karkat: Don't get used to it.  
Meenah: why are we even doing this?

All you have to do say (speak it out load to be save, you unholy ones. If you do not do so, then to the depth of hell you unsaved souls will go forever!): I believe in everyone that is spoken with this holy word, and will follow it so the full command, even ridding the world of those filthy atheists! Amen and amen! This is all you have to say,” I told a bald speech.

Forite: ...it appears I have spoken too soon.  
Meenah: "bald speech"?  
Kanaya: As opposed to a hairy speech.

“No I will never. I will always fool you by worshiping a false set of gods, Zeus the bastard king, and will secret preying to the lord of the darkness, Satan himself,” Percy Jackson said.

Karkat: It's not that fucking secret if you keep talking about it!  
Rose: I think part of this is irony.  
Meenah: *grabs booze* five o clock somewhere. *drinks*

This gave me no choose but to charge at Percy Jackson kill, but he got away in a cloud of smoke cause by witchery. And it was then that I realised something. There was a traitor and I was my task to find this tractor out.

*pause*  
Karkat: Well, that came out of fucking nowhere!  
Forite: So now tractors offend him, too?  
Meenah: *pours out booze* do we have anyfin stronger?

And so I told the Prayer Warriors a story. It was of Judas and him betraying of Jesus Christ, our lord and Saviour. I wanted to find a way to find the traitor but it was no good. So I went to bed very scared. I had to find the traitor. Amen.

Karkat: *fucking speechless*  
Forite: Wait, he can kill anyone though prayer, but he's scared of a tractor?  
Meenah: *finds weed under the seat* here we go.

Believer in Christ: You are all traitors for mocking me and God and his eternal right hand son in the kingdom of heaven.

Jesus Christ: Yes you are right, they are traitors and they will get a traitor punishment. They will be sent to the lowest parts of hell, where it is the hottest. It will be heat that will kill them. Amen and amen.

Forite: But they're already dea-  
Meenah: *shoves a joint of weed in her mouth* shh. no tears, just weed.  
Kanaya: We are all going to die.


	4. In which Meenah gets high and Rose is enraged by grammatical errors

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The grammer really starts going downhill. Rose is rightfully pissed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, look, an update! Thanks again to anyone who gave kudos, or even read this far! This is where the grammer really starts getting fucked up, and one of my friends wanted Grammer Nazi!Rose. You're welcome, Julia.

Chapter 4: Chapter 4

How dare you mock me? Do you realise that if you do not follow the true path of Christ you will burn in gell! Repent now and you will be saved!

Kanaya: "How dare you"? Hasn't that been done to death already?  
Karkat: How dare YOU write this shit!  
Rose: It is spelt "realize"  
Meenah: he lost me at burn in "gell"

Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it. But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life and only a few find it. =Matthew 7:13-14

The passage I have just read is from the gospel of Matthew and tells us that most people will burn in hell, but a few true followers will cherish the treasures of heaven. I am only doing my job in warning those of the flames of hell that awaits them. As for Percy Jackson, is corrupting the minds of young innocent children as the satanic works of Harry Potter, where witches and wizards are allowed to still exist. The church made sure things such as this would go away, but it seems as if it has returned. I am only protecting you for your own good. The Greek gods are just as bad as the satanic religions of today, where Buddhist priest with their false profits kill innocent people in aeroplane crashes.

Forite: Huh? I thought we were omitting the bible verses.  
Rose: "aeroplane crashes"? And second of all, they did NOT just bring Harry into this!  
Kanaya: *hugs rose tightly* It's okay... It's okay...  
Meenah: *takes a drag of weed* whooo...

And so my friend asked me what types of music is the most evil. And I told them most music was evil. But there were a few musicians for so called protectors of their ways.

Meenah: *takes another drag* what? like glubstep?  
Karkat: I think we can all agree that dubstep is evil, but what other kind of music is?  
Kanaya: *completely deadpan* Troll Justin Bebier.  
Forite: I thought we agreed that we wouldn't talk about that.

“Nirvana is the most evil band ever to walk the earth. Not only did they name after a satanic way of thought, but they cause the death of many innocent people, due to the suicide of the coward Jurk Cobain. Their music is too loud, and they have evil Lyric such as ‘God is gay’ (God and Jesus Christ, my lord and savoury, please forgive me for what I have just said. Please don’t send me to hell). This is offensive to God and his eternal Son. Kurt Cobain only realised that he was being controlled by Satan at the last moment, so he killed himself. But because that was a sin, and cause millions of children to do the same thing, he is burning for eternality in hell. Do not one of the you listen to such evilness,” I told them.

Meenah: *somewhat high* guh, who cares about offensive? you sound like kankri, which makes you reel krilly...  
Rose: "Lyric" is not supposed to be capitalized! And it's "lyrics"! Just "lyric" won't cut it!  
Kanaya: *shooshpaps rose*  
Karkat: My question is, what the hell is so evil about "Nirvana"?  
Forite: *flips through dictionary* It's apparently heaven for Buddhists. Or something like heaven.  
Karkat: That explains it.

“I will never listen to them ever again,” said Ethan Nakamura, once a follower of Satan, now a reformer, repenting his sins, and now he will be going heaven. This is what happens when you repent. You will go to heaven. Why would anyone reject something like this?

Karkat: Because you're a genocidal asshat?  
Forite: Because they do not wish to lie to themselves?  
Kanaya: Because you scare them?  
Rose: Because you kill them before they can repent?  
Meenah: because heaven doesn't have weed?  
*pause*  
Meenah: what?

“Yes, and now another musicians that are bad is Green Day. They rejected Precedent George Bush and support the evil Obama, the antichrist. And they rejected the holy war in the middle, which resulted in the death of Osama Bin Laden, one of the Satan’s main servents, now binging in hell. And the reject Christ and called America an idiot. Surely these beasts deserves to go to the depths of hel,” I told them. They were all amazed at my wisdom. Mary looked at me admirable. Still I was uncomfortable, for their was a traitor out there, waiting to kill me, and killing is bad, and is a sin against lord Jesus Christ. Killing a Christian is a sin.

Rose: He's republican. Somehow, I'm not surprised.  
Karkat: How can a landmass be an idiot?  
Meenah: somewhere, hetalia fans are giggling...  
Karkat: *turns to her* the fuck does that mean?  
Forite: "killing is a sin... killing a Christian is a sin"  
Kanaya: And somehow, he's in the right.

And Thalia Grace came and repented in the main hall crying that she would not want to follow the ways of Satan. 

Rose: ...okay, I'm not sure where she came from, but there's a chance for Jerry to do something GOOD and conver-

However, I did saw beyond her disgusting lies and stabbed her in her heart. And she died. If she was telling the truth she would die a Christians death, if she was lying, she would be burning the flames of the eternal hell.

Rose: ...OR, he could accuse her of lying and kill her without giving her a chance.  
Forite: Ladies and Gentlemen, our hero.  
Karkat: Wait, he just said that killing a Christian is a sin, so if she was being honest, she'd count as a Christian, right? So isn't he sinning, and by extension, going to hell?  
All: ...  
All: *cheer*

And then we practice the ways of sword, for we knew the time was soon coming where the final battle between us and the evil followers of Satan, Percy Jackson as their leader, would come and kill us all, 

Meenah: closer to the end!  
Rose: Does this man have a comma fetish!?  
Kanaya: Hold on, final battle? It's chapter four! What's the rest of the story?  
Karkat: Fucking pointless speeches about "evil" shit.  
Forite: All I know is that Percy is going to kill them all. Which is a good thing.

and we had to all be prepared incase this would happen, as if it did happen, we would all be dead and no one would be there to battle the eternal God and his only holey begotten son, lord and savior, Jesus Chris of Narrative,

Rose: Three things. One: Two is the max ammount of commas that should be in one chapter. Two: I know Jesus had nails put into his hands and feet, but I'd hardly call him holey. Three: Chris is an outstanding man, but he isn't Jesus.  
Kanaya: *spittake* Narrative!?  
Karkat: How many times is he going to fuck up!

and all hope would be lost for all eternal, unless the traitor got to us first, then in which we would still be dead and the message of Jesus Christ, protector of all, would not be teach to all people of this holy earth,

Karkat: So they're fucked either way.  
Forite: Ergo, there's a happy ending either way.  
Rose: How long is this bloody sentence!?  
Meenah: as long as my dick. OOOH! *totally high*

but instead full trapped to the ways of the evil lord Stan, 

Forite: Wait, who is Stan?  
Meenah: *grabs a watermelon and writes 'Stan' on it* whooooo~

for he will kill everyone on this earth, and killing is morally wrong, unless it is defending the faith.

Meanwhile, in the headquarters of Percy Jackson….

"Stan": *watermelon noises*  
Forite: Killing is wrong regardless!  
Karkat: This coming from the "great soldier"  
Meenah: wazzat stan? this story is a load of shit?

“We must invade tonight in the glory of Zues, the false god of Satran. We must get rid of all the prayer warriors and turn the temple for their God, and lord and saviour Jedi Christ to a false god temple,” he said.

Karkat: *breaks out laughing* JEDI Christ!?  
"Stan": ...  
Meenah: yeah, stan, you're right. they should turn it into a club.  
Rose: Please, Thomas Brown, use something other than "said"  
Kanaya: I believe "vomited" would work best.

"Yes,” said his slaves Bianca di Angelo, Nico di Angelo, Nico di Angelo, Bianca di Angelo and Grover Underwood. “We will do the biddings of Satan disguised as Satan.”

"Stan": ...  
Meenah: it ISN'T a good disguise, is it?  
Rose: Two Nicos and Biancas? Do they have a cloning machine?  
Forite: Never mind that, what's GROVER doing here!?  
Karkat: He reached godtier, and by extension, is God.  
Kanaya: ...*stare*

See, people can be saved. All they have to do is admit to being a sinner, repent and become a true Christ, and not a false one, like the Church of England, who will burn in hell for their sins. Devoicing is a sin, and will be punished by being thrown into the flames of hell. Aman.

"Stan": ...  
Rose: *sigh* What did the watermelon say, Meenah?  
Meenah: that we all need a break.  
Karkat: I never thought I'd say this, but I agree with the fruit.


	5. In which Stan the Watermelon joins the fun and Kanaya is the voice of reason

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to Meenah, Stan has joined the spork. Kanaya really needs some Advil.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, I put this into a collection for all of the self-loathing homestucks like me. Also, thanks to Angeroo for the feedback! More would be appreciated.

Chapter 5: Chapter 5

I have decided to go under my real name, that is Thomas Brown, for all those have booked me for my username BelieverInChrist. 

Karkat: He's sharing his real name on the internet? Dumbass.  
Stan: ...  
Meenah: Stan agrees.  
Kanaya: Why do you still HAVE that?

Although I am still living within Christ, I must be separate, for I still have things to do, like making you all believe in his holy name.

Forite: Clear this up for me. How is he "separating himself from Christ"?  
Rose: He's not. He's just being a comma-loving moron.

Also note, I am not a belieber, like other people are saying.

Karkat: Well, that's ONE good thing about him!  
Stan: ...  
Meenah: stan agrees.

I do not know you are getting stuff like that from but it is not true. I am a believer, not a belieber, what ever that is I do not know.

I also like to note that I am not mocking Percy Jackson, I am just making note of the evilness that it is. 

Forite: And we're doing the same for your story  
Rose: How, pray tell, is Percy Jackson evil?  
Kanaya: It disagrees with his narrow-minded view of life.

Along with Harry Potter, The Golden Campus, and the Narnia series, it is the most evilness this world has ever seen, beside Stan that is.

Stan: ...  
Meenah: *paps Stan* shhhh... he hates you cause he ain't you.  
Rose: *seethe* Harry Potter is NOT evil!  
Karkat: And I thought I was pissed off!

I am also not a troll.

All trolls present: THANK GOD!

A troll is a fantasy creative that only exist in fake books.

All: ...  
Kanaya: I'm not sure if I'm offended or relieved.  
Forite: Relieved. He'd probably think we're "satanic"  
Karkat: As if he could kill us.

As its not in the bible, it is not ture at all. Do not bee fooled by lies such as that. All book aside from the holy bible, which is Latin for the book, are a lie. Remember that people.

Rose: *calmly pulls out a pen and goes through the script, spellchecking it*  
Stan: ...  
Meenah: stan says that sollux would be pissed at the mention of bees.  
Karkat: No shit, Stan.

I will also like to take note that I can speak Latin, such as this holy set of words: Ego vere fidelis in cuniculis.

Kanaya: That translates to "I am a true believer in the mines"  
Stan: ...  
Meenah: stan, no.

And so the devil and Percy Jackson talked in private, in Percy Jackson private mansion in England, for they allow satanic people to walk among us, (curse them all! Burn in hell buoy foul besets) for they needed to get away from all their evil followers, willing to do anything just to enter the heavenly gate of heaven just so that they can get this evil hands on the heavenly goods. And so the devil walked back and forward in the depths of hell, thinking the order he would give to his most devoted follower, Percy Jackson, who has now changed his name to Percy Judas, for it made more sense seeming that he was a traitor to the faith, for he had once believe in Christ our lord and salary, but became corrupted as time went one.

Meenah: *bursts out laughing at 'heavenly goods'*  
Kanaya: One minute they're in England, the next they're in hell...  
Karkat: Obviously Percy's ascended, too.  
Rose: "Percy Judas"?

"And what must we do to please you wicked one, dear lord and master of all that is evil, and against the godness of God!,” Percy Judas told him. Satan had been in a bad mood today so he was really angry, as Percy Jackson had escaped from good hero Jerry that day, instead of killing him in the name of the dark lord Satan.

Forite: "good hero" Jerry? He's anything but!  
Karkat: Look at that fucking ego! It's spanning the goddamn sky!  
Kanaya: "godness of God"?

“Thou shall kill Percy or you shall die yourself,” he commanded him. So he bowed.

Stan: ...  
Meenah: stan's right, percy must reely need a job.  
Rose: Catch 21!

“I will serve you for always as omg you live,” Percy Jackson said.

Rose: omg? OMG? /OMG/?  
Kanaya: Rose, wait-  
Rose: *summons needles and unleashes her wrath upon the screen. Sadly, it's not even scratched.*  
Meenah: how is that even possible!?  
Rose: Why is it still alive!?

(Because you are wondering why Jerry knows about the traitor, God warned him in his sleep the night before the attack).

Forite: He's about two chapters late with that bit of information.  
Karkat: Wait, God warned him, but he didn't tell him who the traitor was, or even give him any hints?  
Rose: *giving up* I get the feeling that God's real name is "Plot Device"  
Kanaya: No, that would be the heavenly goods.

“Now go kill him or I will bring wrath across you and your friend Grover, who I would be willing to have as a sacrifice instead. I will make you walk this earth wishing you had kill Jerry. Now go and kill. And also, I have palace a traitor among Jerry and his friend. I will not tell who the traitor is, but he will be the person that will tell you this word Deus mortuus. None of his follower will know what this means, but all you will do.”

Forite: But getting killed by your boss wouldn't be just OR heroic, so he would just revive, so why kill him?  
Stan: ...  
Meenah: pointless angst.  
Karkat: Why the fuck doesn't he just tell Percy who the traitor is!?  
Kanaya: Needless difficulty.

And so he went out looking for Jerry and find him and kill, but first hind the traitor first.

Forite: No, kill Jerry before anything. Please. I actually want to see him die.  
Rose: *muttering* I hate this story, I hate this story, I hate this story...  
Kanaya: *consoles her*

Dear God, forgive me for writing this chapter, and saying bad things about you, but I do knot mean it. I will also obey you and tell all people of the your wonderful, loving, dogful behaviour. Amen.

Karkat: Up to "dogful," he didn't say anything bad.  
Meenah: he's not going to shell for talkin shit about cod.  
Forite: We're about one fourth of the way done, at least.  
Kanaya: It's time we took a break.


	6. In which tragedy strikes and the sporkers are rightfully pissed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sporker Count: 5. Stan the watermelon has an unfortunate accident, and Thomas Brown gets even more unlikable.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm going to say this right now: This is the chapter that I start hating Thomas Brown. TW: Misogyny, misgendering, implied sex, and the same author tract we all love. But seriously, to me, this is where shit gets real. You have been warned.
> 
> ...
> 
> Oh, fine, I knew you were gonna read, anyway, but I warned you.

Chapter 6: Chapter 6

I know what a troll is.

Karkat: No, you fucking don't. Sit down, bulgelicker.

I looed it up on Conservapedia (God bless that holy website), which is fare more reliable than the liberal Wikipedia. A troll is a creature, not someone that has two identity. 

Rose: How is Wikipedia liberal?  
Kanaya: Anyone can edit it, so I suppose he's right in that respect.  
*suddenly, there's a cry from the bathroom*  
Forite: Meenah!  
Meenah: *comes back, holding a watermelon rind*  
Kanaya: Oh dear...  
Meenah: actually, it's fin. he was starting to agree with the author.  
Karkat: Thank fuck we averted that crisis!

If you are going by me having two names, BelieverInChrist (God bless that holy website) and Thomas Finn Brown, than yes, I am a troll.

All trolls: NO YOU'RE NOT!  
Rose: He more resembles an imp, really...

But I see no proof that a troll is what you say it is, and I believe Conservapedia more.

And I am a true Christian. I am mot mocking it. I am being brutally honest. People must suffer painful deaths before they are rewarded with the treasures of heathen. Us Christian will suffer many playful deaths, but they will not be in vain, for wee will destroy all the nonbeleivbers.

Kanaya: Playful deaths?  
Karkat: Oh fuck, he played sbrb!  
Meenah: whale, im pretty shore that if someone krilled him, it'd be just.  
Forite: *draws sword* I'll ensure this never happens again.

And so Jerry went back to his room to teach Mary even more, but also about how a woman must behave,

Meenah: *grabs culling fork*  
Rose: *summons needles*  
Kanaya: *revvs chainsaw*  
Forite: *draws sword*  
All females: *in unison* And how would that be?  
Karkat: *crosses his legs, and just scoots away* I think this is easily the most terrifying thing I've ever seen.

for we deceived that it was time for us to get married. And so a explained to her that a wife must follow a man, even to his grave if need be.

Meenah: guess she'll be following you there pretty soon.  
Rose: *crosses her fingers* Come on, Mary, stand up for yourself!  
Kanaya: Or better, put HIM in HIS place.

And I told her told plait her hare up for it was a offense to God and his holy eternal son Jesus Christy, our lord and savour.

Meenah: *completely undoes her braids* what now, beach?  
Forite: So now he abuses animals, too?  
Rose: *as if reading aloud* "And Mary proceeded to call Jerry out on his sociopathic tendencies, and went on to persue a relationship with someone who would treat her with respect."  
Karkat: You know that doesn't happen, right?  
Rose: I can dream.

And so we decided that we would get married in the weekend for it was Sunday and that was Gods day, and he will sorely blessed us. And we decided to wear white, both of us, for the color black was an evil colour and a offensive to Gog.

Karkat: *doubletake* Does that say what I think-  
Forite: No.  
Karkat: But I'm pretty sure-  
Forite: Incorrect.  
Karkat: Forite, it's-  
Forite: IT DOESN'T SAY THAT. FORGET IT WAS THERE.

And so Joey talked the gathering that had just been created, “Bow to false gods like Percy Jug has done and you will surely bun in heath, for it is an offensive to God. They actually give good to their false gods, which is really offensive, such as to Zeus who married a whore Artimis

Rose: Incorrect. Zeus married Hera, and his daughter was Artemis. Furthermore, Artemis was a virgin goddess. She never had a husband of any sort.  
Meenah: he lost me at percy jug.

And although they claim to fight against the so called evil god (they are all evil, so don’t worried about that) Hades, even if Zeus son Poseidon disagrees with that. How can we accept such a lie like as truth. I will not.

Rose: That's ALSO wrong. Hades was never evil, and Poseidon is Zeus's BROTHER, not his SON.  
Kanaya: Really, I think using logic will get us nowhere.

The Bible is fare more simple, stating the you must believe in God or you burn in hell, how simple is that? The Bible is the most beliebable, simple, and convincing book ever.

Forite: You know, not counting the multiple interpretations, gratuitous mistranslations, and outdated sources, it's really easy to follow!  
Karkat: Bite me.

No matter how much J K Rowling can lie, he will never get a book better than the Bible, not matter how many people like his Books Hairy Potter and Percy Jackson, whos book is based on him.

Rose: Rowling is a woman! Also, "Hairy Potter"? Are you kidding me?  
Karkat: How is she lying? It's fucking fiction!

The Bible is truth, there is not doubt about that.” And they clapped for my speech for it was a great speech.

Kanaya: When did Jerry start speaking? And what happened to Joey?  
Meenah: he was wasting jerry's screentime.

And so Grober came tot he miami hall. And he said as a warning to me, “I will come to warn you of my brothers plain to kill. Convert to the false gods of a the greeks now or you will die a very gruesome death. Mahahahahaha.”

Forite: Because that worked REALLY well last time.  
Kanaya: Well, he IS godtier, and a death like this wouldn't be heroic OR just.  
Rose: If anything, it would be comical.

I was not plead at with Grover so I got his head and broke it, and then stabbed him in the heard, and pulled his eyes out. He lied there lifelessness. Suddenly, Percy Hanson came out of nowhere an attacked me for no reason why so ever.

Karkat: *shudder* Is it just me, or did the deaths get worse?  
Forite: "No reason"? You just killed what I can only assume is his moirail!  
Meenah: how dumb can one guy be?

I was able to attack him in the throat, but he got away yet again. I decided that my task was to go after him and make sure he suffered.

*pause*  
Karkat: Isn't that against everything you stand for?! What the hell, hero!?  
Forite: *appalled*

And so I got married to Mary and we went into our beds for the first time (I will not describe what happened for I do not want any atheist to get pleasure out of it and have an organism).

All: ...  
All: *burst into laughter*

And then she tired to convince me not to go after Percy Judas, but I decided that my mind had been mad up, I was to kill Percy Jackson even if it killed me. I would die for God and his holy eternal Son Judas Christ, our lord and saviour.

Forite: Look, a character with a brain! Go, Mary!  
Meenah: uh, you shore about that? she married jerry.  
Karkat: Let her dream, Meenah.

And so I went out there and walked to the mansion of Percy Jackson. I was hoeing to kill him. Amen.

Forite: This is completely ridiculous.  
Rose: What are we supposed to do about it?  
Kanaya: Grin and bare it, it seems.  
Karkat: I won't end up castrated, will I?  
Meenah: no promises.


	7. in which The Author thinks he's righteous and Forite politely disagrees

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Karkat is probably screwed, being the only boy in a sporking of such a misogynistic fic. Forite very calmly reduces a nearby seat in the theater to shreds. And Drill proceeds to try gouging her eyes out with a spoon.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whee, chapter seven. Otherwise known as the chapter I consider suicide. No, seriously. I promised a friend that, after I finished this story, I would do My Immortal. I'm not sure exactly WHAT made me think it was a good idea, but I promised. Expect regular updates today, too.

Chapter 7: Chapter 7

I am not a troll

Karkat: THANK THE EVER LOVING FUCK  
Everyone else: *startled*  
Kanaya: Karkat, I think you may need a vacation.

and I am being serious here, you must repent or burned in hell. Satan will disguise as anything to trick you to send yourself to hell.

Rose: You know? Thomas Brown is beginning to remind me of Dave's vinyl records. Except those skip less.  
Meenah: i think tommy-boy needs some water to sooth the burn.  
Forite: She's right, through. We've read this before.

God does not sell people to hell, it is yourself that did it. Donut say anything wrong with this greatest story ever!

Kanaya: To surmise, *assumes a stupid sounding voice* If you disagree with me, you're automatically evil and going to hell, nevermind that my views are narrow minded and hateful. *drops the voice* ...You know, I think I'll need a shower after this chapter.  
Karkat: I'm just surprised that you STILL made that sound more reasonable than this fucktard.

And so Jerry went and talked to his follower, who Mary the Virgin was in the crown (I never had sex with her for it is unlawful to do so for being Virgin when you die will be better to be seen as when you are infront of God).

*cue sounds of weapons being drawn by very angry women*  
Karkat: *gulp* I don't think that! Really! I know how badass you can be, okay! This guy's just an ignorant shitmuffin!

And he opened his moth: “Which laws are biding that these fools are following. Percy Jackson and his friend worship false demons in a vain attempt to defeat us. They are unlawful, unlike us who are. We the Best Borrow church believe that the law should be biding to all.

Meenah: then let's krill you for murder.  
Kanaya: How are THEY the unlawful ones?  
Forite: *calm, serene expression* ...  
Rose: Oh, no, everybody out of her way!  
Forite: *silently releases her anger on a theater seat, reducing it to a small scrap of red fabric before sitting down and smiling* Continue, I insist.  
Karkat: To add to what I said before, you all fucking terrify me.

We believe also that freedom and library should be given to all. I also believe in gum control.

Meenah: *chews gum, then gives the screen the finger*  
Kanaya: I don't think that's what he meant.

Of all laws that are important, it is the lawalty to hog that is important. How can we live without God? He created us so that we could worship him deerly. He created the law so we must obey it all. To all those who follow wicket ways such ass Percy and his fools, 

Karkat: Fucking GET TO THE POINT!  
Forite: So, Percy follows the ways of little side doors and donkeys? Color me amused.  
Rose: As long as your sword stays in it's sheath, we will be, too.

who worship false Gods such as Zeus and Venus, who were mothers and lovers, such a sinful way.

Rose: Venus is ROMAN. Zeus is GREEK. It's not the same thing!  
Kanaya: But I thought he said earlier that Zeus married-  
Karkat: Now you insert continuity!

How could you worship these foul beasts, for they are sinful in the site of God.

Karkat: Now he has a website? Fucking shit!  
Kanaya: Whoever ran the website, I hope they ban him.

“And what about murder? We do not commit murder,

Everyone: BULLSHIT!

but Percy Jackson does. He say he is battling beasts, but they are ture followers of God. How can we let people like this keep being alive? They should be rid of and sent to hell for punchiness.

Forite: If being punchy is enough to condemn someone to hell, then I suppose I'll see you there. Won't I, Mr. Brown?  
Meenah: *shudder* suddenly, i pity this son of a beach.

Murder is a sin, as told in the Bible, and so all the law must be obeyed. They are evil, but we are good for we do not murder people.

Everyone: BULLSHIT!

How can you deny that? If you deny that, you will be sent to hell.

Karkat: I guess ALL of us will see you there.  
Rose: You won't dismember him too quickly, right, Forite?  
Forite: I don't like making promises I can't keep.

“And steeling is a crime for God says so in the Bible. God is the deniable trust and must be obeyed and followed under all cost, for breaking this law will be against Gods law. Even if a family is starving, if child is caught stealing, his hands must be cut off.

Meenah: what the angling fuck!?  
Kanaya: Not even Alternia had a law like that!  
Rose: I can't even come up with a witty response. Fuck you, Thomas Brown. Just... Fuck you.

If lies, than their other hands must be cut off. Do not let sinners have the sight of day, for it is publishment of Godo

“An lying is a sin, for God tells us so. Lying makes truthful seem like a lie.

Meenah: what makes the who do what?  
Karkat: *promptly double facepalms*

such as the Percy Jackson, who has sent a traitor to kill me (but I decided not to tell my followers yet of this, for the parrot could come out at any moment) is a lie to us all.

Rose: If you didn't mention it, why is it IN THE QUOTATIONS?  
Forite: I'm more concerned about how the parrot factors into this...  
Karkat: The tractor's a fucking bird.

Satan lies, therefore it is a sin. Satan sins, God does god. Lying should be published with stoning.

Kanaya: What, pray tell, is stoning?  
Rose: *hesitant* throwing stones at someone until they die.  
Forite: Well, I think we've found a punishment for our author here!  
Karkat: ...Forite, seriously. Get a grip.

“And I end my speed to day with a prey for God: ‘Prey for all the nonbelievers for they do not know what they are doing to us, let them see the way so that they can become unsinful people, if not they should be punished with flames of hurl. Believe at as a warning to you all for you must be published for all you sins for it is an offensive to Good.

Karkat: This STORY is an offense to good!  
Rose: And women, Christians, Percy Jackson fans, and pretty much anyone capable of being offended.  
*somewhere in another dreambubble, Kankri Vantas puts his book down*  
Kankri: I'm not sure why, but I feel triggered.  
*and back to our, uh, heros*

Believe it so and you will get a eternal life at the revelation that John forward telled in his epic work Resolution (read it for answer in the after life, and the punishment of sinners, for it all is ture). And so it all ends’, anen.

Karkat: Egbert did WHAT!?  
Kanaya: *quickly shooshpaps Karkat*

Suddenly from my room came Mary (for I had lifted her there from the wonderful knight before) cam out of my room and yelled…

Rose: Dave did WHAT!?  
Kanaya: *uses one hand to shooshpap Rose, and the other on Karkat*

…..”O god has given me a holey message for you to telly you. I am pregnant!”

*long silence*  
Meenah: uh... so she's not a virgin... and you DID pail.  
Forite: We should all take a moment to shower and calm down.


	8. in which Karkat contemplates leaving and is totally justified in doing so

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More misogyny from old Tommy Brown! Karkat fears for his bulge.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, remember when I promised regular updates and then didn't do anything for a few days? That's because I was raising money for a lobotomy. Sadly, I didn't go through with it, and the money went to my school's library. So, without further adue, take your chapter and go.

Chapter 8: Chapter 8

How dare you mock me! I am being honest to you all, if you do not repent, you will burn in hell. Without God and his holy eternal son Jesus Christ, then you will not the rewards of heaven and immortal life under God. I am not a troll and I never told I was a troll.

Meenah: blah blah blah...  
Kanaya: This is just repetitive at this point.  
Rose: I think he thinks we're goldfish.

You have all been mistaken. Satan lies to you all for he wants to drag you to the eternal flames of hell!

Forite: Like where you're going? ...I'll look forward to it  
Karkat: ...seriously, Forite, get a grip.

I tell you all, there are people that will not burn in hell! These people will not burn in hell, for they are been blessed in the ways of Christ:

Meenah: *spittake* people left good reviews!?  
Rose: Well, the world ended, so hopefully they're all dead.  
Forite: I'm going to pretend they were being sarcastic.

WolvesRule612, Fulcon, Cimh, Agent Aleu, the holy bwobble for he has supported me, and Lisas Hope, the new St Paul who turned away from sinful ways of being an atheist, but seeing the light and believe in the one true God and his son the Eternal Jesus, son of the only true God.

Karkat: We get it, nooksniffer, we're not fucking stupid!  
Forite: Then who had this idea?  
*A beat passes as they all look at Meenah*  
Karkat: ...Well, most of us aren't!

There are many more who will see the ways of heaven, but many will suffer the pains of hell for believing in a false lie, such as Mr Rowling, who is a man because women should never be able to speak,

*and the weapons come out*  
Karkat: *quickly crosses his legs*  
Kanaya: Let me at him. I don't even need my chainsaw, I'll use my bare hands.

they must obey their husbands at all cost, and if they do not have a husband, they should follow their father, for it is their father that brought them into the world, just like what God did in the Book of Genesis,

Meenah: know what, thomas? you can suck my bulge.  
Karkat: *glances at the door*  
Forite: If he dares to say one more bad thing about women, I will hunt him down.

which for all your uneducated Atheists is the first book in the Bible. You should read it, and you will understand the true love God gave to use by creating this world for us to live in.

Rose: When is the story going to start?  
Karkat: Hopefully never.  
Kanaya: *revs her chainsaw*

And as I talked to my followers about the evilness of Percy Jackson and his friends, Mary came out from my bedroom and told me that see was pregnant with a child. And I asked her what the sex was, for it was important to know. I wanted to have a son so that I could name him after myself, 

Forite: You see, that's not nearly as sexist as anything else he said. I can let that go.  
Meenah: still makes him sound like a reel douche.

which is Thomas.

*collective pause*  
Rose: pffft...  
Kanaya: tch...  
Forite: mmmh...  
Meenah: snrk...  
Karkat: psh...  
All: *burst out laughing*

“Yes, it is a boy, so it will be named after you”, she said. I was very pleased. However, I was annoyed that she had spoken out of term for a women should wait to they are in private before they talk to their husband,

Karkat: For the love of FUCK! You asked her a fucking question! Is she supposed to just stand there like an asshole while you push more useless shit out of your damn protein chute!?  
Forite: *doesn't even try the door, just reaches for the alcohol and starts drinking. From the bottle.*  
Meenah: *whipes the sweat off her brow* whew!

as what St Paul said in one of his epistles. “Women should be silent in the churches, for they are not permitted to speak”, he said in the First Empties to the Corinthians, do you dare tell me that I know nothing about the Bible. I have read it many times, and I am an expert in it all.

Rose: bullshit.  
Forite: *continues drinking*  
Kanaya: You aren't even in a church!

And so she was made to go to her room, for she should rest, before the baby comes. Let her make clothes, for it is a job for women, and not for men.

Kanaya: *looks a bit proud* Only because you lack the skill.  
Forite: I appreciate that he's letting his pregnant wife rest, but I can do without the misogyny. *resumes drinking*

And so I taught even more to everyone, for they were interested in my wisdom, for I was very wise,

Everyone: BULLSHIT!

like King Solomon, of the same royal line as our Lord and Savour Jesus Christ, the only begotten son of the only God Jesus.

And suddenly, came then came Zeus with Percy Jackson, his false son.

Forite: *drunken singing* They're the villains~ Who don't do anything~ They just sit down and stay at home~  
Meenah: that sums it up pretty whale.

And they warned that they will attack us without remorse, and kill every one of us. And I said, be gone Satan for you is not welcome here, and so they want away.

Karkat: Of course they want away from you!  
Rose: "You is"?

And they went to their mansion to plan their next move.

And so I went to the church in the next town, for it was far away for them so know about Percy Jackson. And I warned them of their attack.

Kanaya: If they're too far away to know about Percy, then he wouldn't know about them. What Jerry is doing is involving innocent bystanders by running away, thus leaving his friends and his pregnant wife to die.  
Karkat: I don't even have a bad enough insult for that.

And so it was agreed that I could stay there for a week, for I had to hide away from the traitor, who I knew was about to attack that week, for Percy Jackson told me so.

Rose: Ladies and gentlemen, our hero.  
Forite: maybe the tractor will find him and run him over like whooo!  
Meenah: ...i think you've had enough.

And then it was there that I realised who the traitor was. It was Ethan, for he had worshipped false gods, who were disguised as Satan. Once a Satanist, always a Satanist. He had lied, and not really repented.

Rose: You mean like Thalia?  
Kanaya: And once again, he showcases his misogyny.

And So I decided to stay, and decided to leave after the week, for I needed to hide. And then it was decided that I would return to my followers and save them from the traitor.

Karkat: ...who would have already attacked and killed them. Great fucking leadership, Jerry.  
Forite: *finishes the bottle*  
Rose: Stop using "decided"!

And other people will be saved also, like Mel Gibson, for he put his woman in her place and for making a great movie about our lord and savvier Jesus Christ, and Christ Brown, for we both share the same surname, but not the same Christian name, and he also knows where to put his woman in her place. 

Kanaya: *smiles sweetly* In charge?  
Karkat: *quickly shuts up*  
Rose: Well, time to look for housing in hell.

And there are many other people that cannot mention for I have very little room to say so, but I will say who they are in a latter chapter, for it well known that people will be saved from the fires of hell. But all nonbelievers must be punished. Amen.

Karkat: If I never hear "amen" again, it'll be too soon.  
Forite: whaa? We're out of boosh! *booze  
Rose: We're not even halfway done.


	9. In which there is screaming

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just read the damn chapter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, I haven't updated in forever. Haha... I hope you all enjoy this one! I'm going to try to do more today.

Chapter 9: Chapter 9

You hacker will bun in hell for eternal life for you have sinned against God.

Meenah: what happened?  
Kanaya: Apparently he was hacked. Thank God for the hacker.

And to claim that it was all a lie is also a sin. You will be punished for surely, for I am for real! I am a prophet of the lord, and I will get my own way! You are not who you say you are, and however dare you call yourself a real believer in Christ!

Rose: repetitive bullshit... repetitive bullshit...  
Forite: ish shoo fun~ *still wasted*

A hacker is only been sent by Stan as a lie to make me look like a fool, but I same not a fool,

Everyone: BULLSHIT

but it is you that is a fool for hacking my account in the first place. You a will be surveying in the flames of the eternal claims of hell! You dare take me on when I have Dog on my seed! I am a protest of the lord and his give my power above all you you. Donut dare take me on again, for hacking is a sin, and will be punished as such.

Meenah: glubbin broken record...  
Karkat: Why the fuck are we still reading this? No, seriously, why?  
Rose: We're all masochists.

“And number eleven is in face number seven, so said the lord on his holy day of death. Didn’t I tell you how much of a fool you will be if you say such evil things to the lord and his holey son of Christ, Jesus our saviour, lord protector of all!” Jerry told his followers. And than he whinnies baked top his church, in which he wet and faced his traitor.

Forite: *sobers up* What!? Where did that come from!?  
Karkat: Didn't he fucking hide last week?

“You are too late! For it was Percy Jackson that made your wife pregnant! She is the traitor. So what mystic should we do to this creel women of a whore!” he assed me.

*collective pause*  
Rose: What... when.... how?  
Kanaya: And what happened to Eathan?  
Meenah: so many questions.

“And I told him” take her to the tallest tower, and throw her from there, and if she is not dead, stone her to death. And if that does not work, remove the head, like I did to Grover in the epic battle the first chapter, and if you have not read that, go back and read it, or sleep you will go to hell! Beware of my warring!

Karkat: that... she was pregnant... What...  
Everyone else: *UNINTELLIGIBLE RAGE*

And so Michael took her and killed her, along with the baby, who was Percy Jacksons son! And so we had prayers. And then came Percy Jackson yelling “How dare you kill me wife”

Rose: I can't believe what I'm reading! He just brutally killed his own wife and child!  
Forite: Let's kill him. Now.

“And I replayed,” it was not your wife in the first pplace. So be gone from this site, or else I will have to deform you! Stan has lisped to you! Now you must realise your mistake, or I will be forced to remove you head just like I have done to my wire, who claimed to be a virgin bit was only a whore!

*scene censored for decency. Trust me, it's not pretty.*  
Karkat: How is that even possible!?

“No, will not submit at all!” yelled Percy Jaqson.

So we battled with swords, on the top of the roof of the building, for we had agreed for the battle to be taken place there, for it was a goofy site for all of my followers to see my victory. But my sword let go from my hand and it dropped to the ground. I tied to pick it up, but I could not. 

*collective cheer*  
Rose: Yes! Get him, Percy!  
Forite: Kill him!  
Meenah: *breaks out the booze*

Percy Jackson was a better fighter than me. So I prayed to God that he would have mercy on me, and on Percy Jackson, for he had only been following orders from Satan himself.

And Percy Jackson dropped his sword and realised something.

*pause*  
Forite: what.  
Meenah: what.  
Rose: what.  
Kanaya: what.  
Karkat: WHAAAAAAAAAT!?

He had seen the lord himself. “I will never worship a false god ever again. Satan, Zeus who climbed to be my father is only a lie. My father is now God and his only eternal son Jesus Christ! Behold I convert to your way.”

Kanaya: No, Percy!  
Rose: You were such a likable character!  
Forite: *appalled*  
Meenah: krill em all. wrap them all in plastic.

And so a baptized Percy Jackson, who renamed himself Percy of Christ, and we had many hours of prayer, along with Mary, who survived the stoning, who I had forgiven.

*COLLECTIVE UNINTELLIGIBLE RAGE*

And we plotted the attack on Satan and his false gods. And now we had the knowledge of Percy of Christ. Amen.

See, people can become followers of Chris. And now Perch of Christ will be saved and taken to the eternal clowns of heaven! Amen and amen.

Karkat: SHITTING FUCK FUCK FUCKING SON OF A FUCKING BITCH!  
Rose: We're almost halfway there...


	10. In which Rose breaks out the puns and no one is amused

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rose lost her mind. The puns are awful.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SURPRISE, BITCH. I bet you thought you'd seen the last of me. Well, you haven't. I'm going to continue this thing if it kills me.

Chapter 10: Chapter 10

Stop reviewing my great story if you hate it. You will burn in hell anyway!

Meenah: we're not even reviewing anemonemore, we're just making fun of you.  
Rose: The worst part is, he  
Kanaya: *realization* Rose, don-  
Rose: Will get a lot more FLAMES in hell.  
*badumtss*  
Karkat: Fuck, it begins.

There is not point in trying to save you at all for you have ben corrupted by powers of evol, and that is Satan! And no Stan, I have no idea what that is.

Rose: Well, looks like the watermelon is quite  
Forite: Rose, please control yourself-  
Rose: the APPLEmobnation.  
*badumtss*

Only review this story if there is something good to say or that you agree with every I say. All the rest of you are sick!

Rose: So are you. You probably have  
Meenah: rose please don't, think of the kids-  
Rose: Believer fever.  
*badumtss*

You should not allow such evil things such as gays, women in power, and people that are crippled in the minds.

Forite: Like you?  
Rose: Let's just put him in-  
Karkat: Shit, shut the fuck up, Rose-  
Rose: An iron maiden.  
*badumtss*

And so I, Percy of Christ, went up to the staples to prey for my holey sole! I had sinned so much, believing in such a lie that I whipped myself for Gods forgiveness,

Rose: Gee, I never knew Percy could be so-  
Kanaya: If you make one more pun, I will tape your mouth shut.  
Rose: ...  
Kanaya: ...  
Rose: Domineering.  
*badumtss*

for I was not wordy of such as blessing. 

Karkat: Believe me, Percy, you're plenty wordy.  
Rose: He's not just wordy, he's a... verbavore.  
*badumtss*  
Forite: *looking at her sword* is seppuku still out of the question?  
Everyone else: Yes.

I wanted to end my life, but I realised that suicide is a sin and that I would burn in hell if I did so. Suicide must be published at all coast!

Rose: It would definitely make headlines.  
Kanaya: It wouldn't get past the editors.  
*badumtss X 2 combo!*  
Karkat: Et tu, Kanaya?

I went to Jerry for advice and he gave me berry god advise, and that was not to follow the evil ways of the geek gods and follow the only true way and that was through our lord Jesus Christ, my only saviour, and not that liar of a father Zeus (I know Greek motherly very weal).

Everyone: BULLSHIT!  
Rose: I can't even make a pun here. It makes fun of itself.

And he also said that I had to convert all those that had been left alive, for they must too know the greatness that is Jesus Christ, and that they had been follow false ways!

And so I went to the place where my old fiend Rachel, who I had dated on and off for the past few years (I did have sex with her in past, but I have changed so don’t you put this in the wrong way). And I said to here “Why must you follow those fools. I know you very well, you would beaver worship any false God, because I know you were a Christian before I put you in this mess. I now ask you to help me and in my quest to bring Christendom to the Camp, and remove all the evilness that it contains. Please help me, you are my only hope!”

Meenah: you know, percy's actually TRYING to convert somebubbly. he's basically a better jerry.  
Rose: Funny how the villain is more likable than the hero.  
Kanaya: Funny how he's not even the villain anymore.  
Forite: Funny how he calls it Christaindom instead of the correct Christianity.

“Yes I will,” she said. “I knew you were not like anyone else. I believe you. We must defeat these evils gods and Satan before they destroy anything else! I will follow you and obey you every order. I will not speak out of term, and I will make sure I am a foot away from you at all times, for it is an offense for a women to go suck an thig. I am a Prayer Warrior now and I want you to baptize me and my family, for none of us our baptized.”

Karkat: *crosses legs quickly*  
Kanaya: I have an idea, let's introduce our author to the empress.  
Forite: And tell him all about our society...  
Rose: I have the best idea. *pulls Kanaya into a deep kiss*  
Meenah: oh, get a hive!

So I baptized all of her family, and they all became followers of our lord and choir Jesus Christ! I knew from that very moment that I would make a very good Preyer Warrrior and that Jerry of Christ would be very proud of me.

Karkat: I, on the other hand, am BEYOND disappointed.  
Kanaya: *kinda too busy making out to comment.*  
Meenah: ...hey, crabcatch, cmere.  
Karkat: Fuck. No.

“And behold my wisdom! For this is like Sodom and their wicked ways. God had warn them of all their sinning, and all of their ways of evil. He old them to stop worshiping Satan, and all other forms of evil sexual acts, and instead, follow his holy laws, that’s is the ten commandments, or else they will destroy them. If the Camp do not follow the ways of Christ, God will destroy them. But God gives us a warning. Follow Christ or you will be punished with the eternal salads of Hell!” I, Percy of Christ told them all! And they were amazed at my wisdom!

Everyone: BULLSHIT!

Stop reviewing my story! All you bring with you is fate and disgusting comments. None of you are true followers of the one true god! Truly convert or you will suffer! Amen.

Karkat: We should kinda cut off here, before Rose and Kanaya pail all over the goddamn theater...  
Forite: At least we've past the battle of midway.


	11. In which booze is restocked and Kanaya contemplates homicide

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We restocked the booze. Good thing, too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm going to try and finish this month, guys! We're half way there, so stay with me! Once again, thank you to those who left kudos.

Chapter 11: Chapter 11

I am not evil! I am striper of the lotd! I am not a troll! I have said this many times and you will not listen to me! I am being serious! There is not error at al! And my account was hacked! The hacker is lying!

Meenah: okay, three things. one, you AR-E evil. two, no one would pay you to strip. three, why the glub are we still READING this!?  
Karkat: Because God is a sadistic rat bastard.  
Kanaya: At least we're half way done.  
Forite: Thank God.

Do not beliebe it. And there is good bands, such as The Beatles. Their song Let It Be is a prayer to God and how they want everyone to know his undying love and that they were telling their story of their life. And Lilith was an atheistic lie. The Bible came from God, and nothing was ever cut out.

Rose: He likes The Beatles. Oddly, I'm not surprised.  
Kanaya: Who is Lilith? Is she a troll?  
Meenah: aw S)(-ELL NO

That is the Koran that had stuff cut out.

I, Jerry, went to the temple and announced to all my friends that Percy of Christ had convert all of Rachael’s household and was working on convert the rest of the camp that had fullen to false ways.

Karkat: And that Percy's a better hero than you'll ever be?  
Kanaya: I wonder why the appliance company is evil...  
Forite: Clearly he prefers Ikea.

And then I said, “in the book of Exodus there was a mighty battle, and it was because of the courage of Moses that they won. I have courage and that means that we will win this battle. Do not lose hope, like all the nonbeleivers out there, for they deny God, and worshiper Satan and a beastly whore Artois. We must be fuel of courage.

Rose: *takes a drink* Forite, explain courage to him.  
Forite: Gladly. *ahem* Courage is being able to see what the right thing is, and then do it no matter the danger or words of others. Courage is NOT trying to eradicate anyone who doesn't agree with your narrow minded world view. You, Jerry, are a coward.  
Kanaya: *nods* Exactly.

That way we will be able to defeat those without courage, such as the evil Greek Gods! Once we have done that, than we can work onto the false evil Roman Gods, that once reign across the Roman Empire, but Constantine was able to defeat the evil Gods and made Jesus in rule of all of time!

Rose: *downs the bottle*  
Karkat: He's just saying the same fucking thing over and over! There's nothing to commentary anymore!  
Forite: It DOES prove to be a formidable test of patience.

“Now it is time to do such a thing. We must not focus one evil thing, but all evil thing. That is why I am sending one of my massagers to England to warn those there, for they allow Witches and Wizards to live. They have a school there that allows these people to live. This evil school is called Hogwarts, and must be destroyed at all coast!

Meenah: ...whale. that was pointless.  
Kanaya: *papping a crying Rose*

“Behold Michaela who warmed me of the attack will help me on thesis quest! Although he might not be here in person, we will support in Prayer! His story will be told in another story, so that it can gain maximum impact, and convert more people.” Amen.

I will be writing another story The Prayer Warriors: Battle With The Itches! Read it to be safe, speak it to saved!

Karkat: You mean that was one big fucking advertisement!?  
Forite: I'm not even shocked anymore. Just bored.  
Meenah: betta than misogynistic bullship.


	12. in which Karkat hates everything and author appeal is rampant

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Oh God make it stop

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Two chapters in a day! Hopefully, I'm this productive all week.

Chapter 12: Chapter 12

The Harry Potter fans will realise the true evilness that is there satanic book, and will convert to the way of Christ! You are all fools for saying such disgusting thigs! I hope you all bum ink hell!

Rose: *we're sorry, but the number you called is not in service at this time. Please check the number or call again later.*  
Kanaya: I believe Rose is a few drinks away from destroying her liver...  
Forite: Lucky.

And so Percy of Christ taught Rachael’s household a holey lesson. And behold he said, “Dare not mock God, for his is holus. I was like a evil beast, having sex with a whore, but I have changed, and I a have become like St Paul, a true massager of Christ.

Meenah: man, i could go for a massage... hey crabcatch-  
Karkat: No.

“I will also talk to Rachael’s father, for he has sinned against the ways of God. Although he has been baptized in the ways of Christ, he can never enter his holy Church, for her father has removed his testacies, and that is a sin. God commands that anyone with a testacies should pray at home, everyone else must go to his holy church at least once a week on Sunday and pray for their soles! This also means that they must pray whenever they can. This can be at home, at school, at work, and out and about. They must pray! If at home someone refuse to let you pray, make then leave your house! If someone at school refuses you to pray, make them leave, may it be student or the teacher, they should not refuse someones right to pray. If someone refuses to let you pray at work, either quit your job, or if you are the boss, fire the person that complains to you about praying.

Meenah: can we fire YOU instead? from a cannon?  
Forite: I approve of this turn of events.  
Karkat: Remind me to never make you two mad.

Even if they refuses to pray, they must be fired, for it is a sin against Christ! And if a police refuses to let you pray, continues to pray. Even if you are sent to prison, God will be proud at your bravery and courage, for that is what God rewards people with. Obey Gods law, not mans law, for mans law is corrupt and evil, created be Satan!

Kanaya: In this very same story, didn't he talk about how the law must always be followed?  
Rose: He's fricke  
Rose: *fickle

“And now I must go my friend Tyson, for he must be converted also.” And so I went to him and explains the ways of Christ, “Why worship a false god which will not give you eternal live, when you can worship a true God, who has a eternal son who died on the cross to save us all? My God can save you. Please convert, or you will suffer in the eternal flames of hell!”

And Tyson said, “I will not convert for I love to sin too much.” I was so annoyed that I took a stone and stoned him to death, for he would not submit to the way of our lord Jesus Christ, one true God.

All: ...  
Meenah: whale, that escalated quickly.

And I said, “The fool is dead. God will not allow a nonbelieber to live. A fool will die a fools death! I will then move onto the camp and warm everyone else of the evilness of Satan, or they will suffer!”

I will not delete this story. You should or convert to the ways of Christ, or you will suffer the eternal flams of hell!

Karkat: Should what? Delete this piece of shit? Fucking gladly.  
Forite: Sadly, we can't. We can only commentary.  
Rose: *silent sobbing*


	13. In which Meenah tries to kill the story and unfortunately fails

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Same shit as ever. Who's up for scrabble?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have one thing to say.
> 
> HOENNNNNNN REMAKE!

Chapter 13: Chapter 13

How dare you try to hack my account? Isn’t that against the law? By bricking the law, you are turning away from God, therefore sinning, therefore sending yourself to the eternal flames of hell! 

Meenah: that esclated quickly  
Karkat: Know who I want to fucking brick? This piece of shit.  
Forite: I second that emotion.

I am trying to save the world from Satans wrath, not turn people away from God. Do not be fooled by fake Christians who state that we must love the atheists. We must rid our world of those enemies.

Rose: *drinks violently*  
Kanaya: Rose, please...

And Jesus said that he came to bring the sword, and that is what I am doing! I will also like to thank my brother who helped me write this chapter.

Karkat: Fuck your brother!  
Forite: *reads ahead* I'd say his brother is much saner.

“Who am I,” Jerry asked. “I am the one that has been sent by God to save the world from evil. The Greek gods are one of those evils. They make their followers follow strict laws, such as giving up some of their food. Our God does not do this. He gives us more freedom. We give thanks to our food, but we do not give it up. And by giving up your food you are wasting good food that could have been eaten, and if it wasn’t good to eat, like passed if used by date, and then we should feed it to the dogs, not give it up. And would we give up our house just because some false god tells us do so? No! We should not!”

Meenah: AHAHAHAHAHA*deep breath*HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA  
Karkat: uh...  
Rose: I think he's serious...  
Meenah: HAHAHAHAno.

The people in the chambers clapped so much that the noise echoed so much that the sound was still heard after a minute or so. People came up to him and thanked him for all the wisdom he had given them. Mary stood at the door to her room. She looked pretty sad about something. Jerry decided to walk up to her to see is she was fine or not.

Karkat: She's sad because you tried to fucking kill her!  
Forite: Not even Alternia would condone that!  
Meenah: whale, maybe to him.

“Are you ok?” he asked her. She started to cry. “What is wrong? Please tell me and I will make sure things are made better.”

“Theres nothing wrong,” she said finally. “I am just pondering on your speech. It was great.”

All: BULLSHIT

“I know it was great, but your crying has nothing to do with it. Please tell me what the problem is. I want to know. Is it too cold in your bedroom? I can organize it so that you can get a room where the sun shines into your bedroom in the morning,” he asked her.

Kanaya: Stop trying to be redeemable, Jerry. We all hate you more than anything right now.  
Forite: I would find this sentiment generous if he HADN'T TRIED TO KILL HER.

“No,” she said. “It has nothing to do with my bedroom. It is fine the way it is.”

“So if it’s not the room, what is it?”

“Well,” she paused. “I do think I can this baby.” Jerry stood there in shock. He knew abortion was a sin, but to hear someone admit something like this was different.

Rose: It isn't YOUR vagina, Jerry.  
Meenah: *suddenly a culling fork flies into the screen, but doesn't even dent it* coddamn.

“You know abortion is a sin against our lord Jesus Christ, the only way to heaven, and eternal son of God. By aborting, you have committed murder, and murder is a sin against God. God will punish you with the eternal flames of hell! Please reconsider and repent for all your sinning, for Satan has lied to you!” Jerry said.

Forite: If murder is a sin, why do you do it, Jerry?  
Kanaya: Obviously the morality is centered around him instead of anything really moral.  
Karkat: That's so accurate it scares me.

“I AM NOT HAVING AN ABORTION! YOU ARE JUST COMING TO ASSUMPTIONS!” she yelled angrily. She then paused again, and then stated calmly, “I was about to tell you that I want to put this child to adoption, so that a good caring Christian family can look after him. I am not ready to have a child.”

Forite: THANK YOU, Mary.  
Kanaya: All things considered, Mary is the most sympathetic character in this story. She just now grew a bit of a spine, so I think I would like to see more of her.  
Rose: Too bad she's just there for Jerry to kick around.

Jerry, realizing what was going on, comforted her. “That is OK. I understand,” as he patted her back. “Yes, abortion is a sin, but God allows us to give up child if it is for a loving purpose. It is better to adopt than abort. And I don’t want you to be unhappy, nor would God. I support your decision.”

*collective pause*  
Karkat: Didn't see THAT coming.

They stayed there for an hour talking, discussing their plans for the future. After that, Jerry and Mary said a prayer, and then parted, for Mary was tired.

Forite: I would be, too, considering who she's married to.  
Kanaya: I imagine all of their plans deal with genocide.  
Meenah: I'm rooting for Satan.

Please stop reviewing my story. If you don’t agree with it, ignore it! But remember, if you do so, you risk putting yourself in danger, for God will punish you with the eternal flames of hell. And I also like thank Noah for helping write my story. You help has truly improved this story, and made it more enlightening. Amen.

Rose: Time for a break, and booze.  
Forite: I couldn't agree more.


	14. In which the spelling is made fun of, and everyone hates Tom

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I WILL finish this before May ends, do u hear me

Chapter 14: Chapter 14

How dart you moke my brothel ! He was not dong anything wrong! And never am I, I am just warring you about the punishment that awaits you if you keep sinning that way you at the moment.

Meenah: what to the who what huh  
Forite: He's declaring war on surfers who threw darts at his bulge in a whorehouse.  
Karkat: *crosses his legs*

By worshiping Greek gods, you are putting ourselves at risk! Stop, and realise your mistakes! Please convert to the way of our lord Jesus Christ of narrative, only true son of the one eternal God! This is not offensive at all

Everyone: BULLSHIT

how dare your call it as such. And I find all your reviews sickening. None of you are Christians if you think atheists should be allowed! This is a Christian world, and should stay that way!

Rose: No, it's not a Christian world. In fact, most nations had freedom of Religion.  
Kanaya: And isn't Christianity about loving one another?

So Percy of Christ went to his old Mentor Chiron, a master of betrayal. He knew that Chiron would be more accepting of his Christiane ways, that he would concert more easily. He went to a swamp where Chiral live, and as Percy went down into the swamp he could see lots of dead bodies who were Christians martyrs, make him feel really sick.

Meenah: know what makes me feel reely sick? this story  
Karkat: It's not even a story, someone just took a shit on a keyboard  
Rose: And they didn't wipe.

He soon came to Chirons hut. He was into voodoo, a satanic form of magic invented at Hogwarts as a way to kill Christians on the spot, but Percy prayed because he knew that our Fjord Jesus of Christo would save us, and reliever us from a sinful life! Believe in him!

Forite: Belieeeeeeeve it. Belieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeve it.  
Meenah: Yeah half of I am with my ninja clan. Ninja clan here we stand.  
Rose: Karkat, yeah he's pretty cool. Kanaya the beautiful.

I entered a the hut and I found Chiron sitting at a trample, gambling with another follower of the evil Stan, the murderer! He stopped and looked at me.

Karkat: If you start singing Total Eclipse of the heart, I'll shove my sickle in your nook.  
Kanaya: Apparently Meenah's watermelon went rogue.

“Have you killed Jerry yet? We wanly want him to die, for we want to corrupt the word and sent everyone to yell!” he assed me.

“No” I sad.

“No?” he sled!

Kanaya: *drowning noises* Rosebud...  
Rose: You know, I probably should have seen that coming.

“No, because I have discovered the truthfulness in the world, and that is through my personal savior Jesus Christ, who has saved me and has promised to send me the eternal clowns of Leaven, where angels sing, and I can hear Jesus speak to me with great words that will make anyone becoming a believer in Vista!

Forite: I still perfer XP.  
Meenah: either way, he's sure as shell not thinkin with portals

I ass you to accept him as your lord and savor and be one of his massagers! Please join me in turning he camp into a Christian cameo! Pease help me!

Karkat: You ASS him?  
Kanaya: I'm stuck on he camp.  
Rose: By the power of grey cult, I am He Camp!

“God has told Jerry to tell me that greatness the rewards are with being with Christ! He does not pie, he does not murder,

Karkat: First of all, bullshit. Second, he's in league with Gamzee...  
Forite: We are all going to die.

, and he will pretext us when the eternal flames of hell cover the earth, and he will dragged us up to his eternal pal axe! I was like St Paul, a person that hunted down Christians, but now I join them and I ass you to join them as well” is aid.

Karkat: There he goes, putting his ass in everyone's faces!  
Meenah: booty game too strong

“Yes, will become a christen” Cola said.

“Thankyou, and I wail make you a preyer warrior just like ne!” said. So I baptized him, and he sent the gambler out of his house, for the person refused to accept our lord Jesus Christ! His body is rotting in the sea.

Meenah: aw SHELL no  
Forite: But they were in a swamp, yes? How did he get to the ocean?  
Kanaya: White science.

“Yes, and I will o and talk to the camp and make the believers in Christ!” said Chiron of Christ.

So I waited there, while he went and talked to the camp. Suddenly, one of Chiron student (who I baptized as well) cam back panicking.

Rose: They probably realized they were in this story.  
Kanaya: That is a perfectly good reason to panic.

“THEY KILLED CHIRON AND THEN ATE HIM ALIVE!” he said. I stood in shock, wanting to throw up. I became angry. They were not allowed to get away with killing a follower of our lord esus VChrist! 

Karkat: ...is that supposed to be a twist or some shit?  
Forite: Honestly, it was hard to NOT see that coming.

I had to go to the camp myself! So I did. Outside Grover waited, along with an army of Nonbelievers, and the fold breast were dancing around Chiron of Christs boday.

Kanaya: What? Didn't they eat him?  
Karkat: I just came up with a ton of explanations and they're all fucking disgusting.

“Who dare you kill a fellow Christian. You are like Judas, selling a friend for 30 gold coins. You will truly be punished,” is aid. So I battled Grover, who just laughed and said mockery thigs to me, such as “you God is a lie” and “how are you stupid beaver!”.

Rose: He's either a rodent, or a vagina. Charming.  
Kanaya: He's not pleasant enough to be either.

This made me even more angry! So I then cut his head of with sword, for I was a master of sword fighting, for Chiron of Christ had taught me how use a sword. And the over camp members realised that they were follower false goofs so they said that I had to baptize them.

Karkat: False goofs just sounds like this entire fucking story.  
Meenah: nah. it's all 100% pure, fresh squeezed goof.

And so I had an army of Prayer Warriors. I sent a message to Jerry that I had converted the camp, and told him to come to the camp to decide our next move, with was to take on the false gods themselves!

Karkat: You know, they could just actually do something good.  
Forite: Impossible. That would make sense.

I am glad they hav all become cHristian. She all people can get eternal lives if they truly beliced. Anem and anem!

Meenah: you know, i don't even have a comment on that. this is just stupid.  
Karkat: Damn straight.


	15. In which there are tears

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We're almost done. Good thing, everyone's going insane.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, guys! Sorry for the late update, I've been busy with finals. We only have five more chapters to go, you guys. Feedback would be great.

Chapter 15: Chapter 15

How dare they delete my story? What was I doing wrong? What about freedom of speech?

Karkat: Yeah, you have the right to post it, but they have the right to get rid of it because of how fuck-awful it is.  
Forite: Not to mention that it violated the majority of your human website's rules.  
Rose: And freedom of speech has nothing to do with this. He just wants to hear people that agree with his narrow minded world view. And Thomas Brown? Freedom of speech means you need to accept all those people you call evil. Stop trying to justify yourself. You're the bad guy no matter HOW you look at it.

Don’t I have a right to state what I believe in! I am only warning you of the dangerous of sinning. According to the Bible, sin is evil and should be punished.

Meenah: naw duh.  
Kanaya: Captain Obvious, turn in your badge.

And with America allowing these sinners to continue, God will punish them as well, for allow sinners to continue sinning is a sin. America will burn in hell the way we are going at the moment. Submit of the ways of our lord Jesus Christ, Gods only begotten son, and follow his holy laws, that is the Ten Commandment, and we will all go to heaven. At the moment, a lot of you will burn in hell simply because you turn a blind eye to the problem that is with America, and that is Atheists! 

Karkat: Is it physically possible for anyone to be THAT fucking ignorant!?  
Forite: I've just been telling myself it's satire. A parody, if you will, of extremism.  
Kanaya: ...that theory actually holds water.

They have poisoned young childrens minds with liberal propaganda, with their antichrist Obama. We must stop this now! Bring America back to its God-fearing ways. Let all true American men pray loudly for God’s forgiveness, for we are not worthy of it. But God is a just God and he will save us if we stop all this sinning! I like to say thank you to Noah for helping me write this chapter.

Rose: I actually feel sorry for Noah.  
Meenah: yeah, his blubber's a stupid glubmunch.

And a messenger came to Jerry and told him of the conversion of the camp to the ways of Christ. He was happy that all of them had been baptized and turned into prayer warriors. He now had an army to defeat Satan and his false God. Now I knew it was safe to go to the camp and met Percy of Christ again and examine the new followers, and work out the next move.

Rose: *flips a table* AUGH! IT IS NOT OKAY TO SWITCH THE POINT OF VIEW IN THE MIDDLE OF A PARAGRAPH! DECIDE ON WEATHER YOU WANT OMNISCIENT THIRD PERSON OR FIRST PERSON, YOU IGNORANT UNWASHED DUCK PENIS!  
Kanaya: *frantic papping*

I said to my followers, “Great news everyone, we are one more move towards turning this country back to a Christian Nation. The camp that once worshiped false gods of the Greeks, have now converted to the ways of Christ and will help us in our cause. I will meet up with Percy of Christ and work out our next move.

Forite: *as Jerry* We're going to go to Disney World!  
Everybody else: YAY!  
Forite: Then we're going to BURN IT.  
Karkat: ...I think you should just lie down.

We will march soon on the temples of the false gods and destroy them all. I promise you that we will be victorious. God is merciful and will punish all wrong doers.

Kanaya: That word. I don't think it means what you think it means.  
Karkat: Also, bullshit.

I am glad to tell you that even though you might die tonight, you will die a martyr’s death and will live in the eternal clouds of Heaven. Damn those that chooses not to fight, and does not support our troops overseas, for they are defending us from terrorist threats that plan to kill us all and turn our country into an extremist state. And worst of all, the extremist liberal Obama, who is secretly a Muslim, is allowing this to happen, damn him to hell! Trump for 2012! Amen.” And everyone cheered.

Rose: *dryly* Here's a challenge. Find something that makes sense in the above paragraph.  
Forite: Denied.

So Jerry went to the camp, and out came Percy. And he said, “I am said for my mentor, a great Christian man has died to night

Karkat: HE ONLY CONVERTED LAST NIGHT GODDAMNIT  
Kanaya: It's lose lose. You die no matter what.

We berried him in the Christian manner, which is arms crossed, body up, so that he can leave his coffin at the last judgement and be proud of his martyr-hood. I have hung the person that killed him, for murderer must be punished.

Forite: This isn't even really offending me. Now it's simply stupid.  
Rose: I see what you mean. I don't see how it can get any wor-

The death venality is lust!

Rose: ...goddamnit.  
Meenah: this is why we can't have nice fins.

“But you have come here not just for Chirons death, but for the army I have prepared for you. Fine Christian men and they will aid you in your mission to destroy the evil gods that once enslaved me. I have a man named Luke who will help you in your ways, for he is the greatest fighter we have. He will lead the great battle that will happen tonight.”

Rose: *unintelligible noises of fury*  
Kanaya: The canon is so butchered... I'm going to be sick...

And I said, “I am glad of your victory. But time is not to be wasted, so let us march to night, for we need to rid those sinners from our Christian Nation. Tell you men to arm yourselves, and tell the women to support them with food and aid, for the men will need it. 

All Girls: FUCK YOU!  
Karkat: *just keeps his mouth shut*

My age is seventeen, not ten you uninformed idiots. And my brother is thirteen, not fifteen. I have no idea where you get your information from, but it is all wrong and it is all full of liberal lies! And my brother is going to be posting his Prayer Warrior sorry up tomorrow! 

Forite: You ought to apologize for this story, even unintentionally.  
Rose: Sometimes, sorry doesn't cut it.

And damn those liberal atheistic scrum that want to take our right to arm away. We want our bullets back, and we want to be able to protect ourselves from a liberal extremist government that wants to enslave us into the atheistic way! God bless our conservative ways and the army! Amen.

Meenah: thank cod it's only five more chapters  
Karkat: That's still too many.


	16. In which studying for finals is less painful

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The madness of Thomas Brown continues! Can our heros survive the stupidity? Will Forite end up stabbing everything? Is Meenah's weieve real?(no) FIND OUT TODAY ON FUCK EVERYTHING Z

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello you unlucky bastards. Ah, finals are a glorious time. Screaming, worrying, trying to quickly learn what you ignored in class, staring at the textbook and understanding nothing, cleaning up cat puke... And you all know how I think. If I have to suffer, so do you. So I'm going to finish the sporking either tonight or Saturday. Mark my fucking words.

Chapter 16: Chapter 16

How dare you accuse me of being a troll? I am not a troll. I am being very serious about this issue. I am a true Christian and will not lie, at all.

Everyone: BULLSHIT  
Kanaya: Just pretend it's satire, everyone.  
Rose: That doesn't make it much better.

How can you call yourselves Christians when you don’t recognisee a fellow Christian? And I know that you none of the you have really read the Bible. Have you even read the books that Moses has written? You calm to be Christians but never follow the ten commitments. This is not laughing issue, this is very serous, you must cede this very impairment issue. Truly worship our lord Jesus Christ, savours of all, and do good wok, such as not being gay, and not stealing, and not lying, or even murdering people who people shouldn’t burger.

Forite: And again, Thomas Brown shows his almost laughable hypocrisy.  
Karkat: I regret ever making humans.  
Meenah: i regret not culling em all

“WE are one step ahead of the enemy now. They do not know that there camp has turned against them, ad the camp is now willing to help us destroy these evil satanic Temples. This will truly cripple Stan.

Forite: They wish to liken Meenah's watermelon to Tavros?  
Karkat: Well they're both fucking dead  
Meenah: TOO SOON.

I will go an destroy all the temples of the whore god Atomist and and Venus, and Percy of Christ will destroys of Zeus and Neptune, and Luke of Christ will destroy the temples of Mars and Ares, for they are the most dangerous gods of them all. We need to find these Gods and slay them, for this is the punishment they needed for they have sinned for too long and rejected our lord Jesuit Christ, the only forgotten don of the one tire God, and our lord and savours!” and everyone cheered to my speech. 

Rose: *deadpan* yay  
Kanaya: Jesuit Christ? Sounds fashionable.

Percy of Christ, and Luke of Christ congratulated me for a very insuring peach.

Forite: My word, a peach selling insurance? What are the rates?  
Karkat: You save three percent for every fuck you give.  
Forite: That's hardly profitable.

And so my army went to the temple of Artemis where her virgin whores were doing very wrong things to a group of wed-locked men. We were very angry at this, so that we killed all the men, and forced the whores to burry them, and also to dig their own graves. And we then stoned them to death and throw there bodies in to the grave. But we left the graces opens so that wild animals would eat there bodies.

Rose: Okay, first of all, virgins and whores directly contradict eachother. There is no such thing as a virgin, a woman who has never had sex, who is also a whore, someone who makes money off sex. Second, it's not stated if what the so-called "virgin whores" are doing to the men is consensual or not, so that could be victim blaming. Third, WHY THE FUCK DIDN'T YOU BURY THEM???  
Kanaya: Rose, please stay calm. This author is.. Well, he is a fuckmunch.

And in the deepest chamber I discovered Artemis who was calculating the money she had mad off her whores. I went up to her and stabbed her in her eyes, and she screamed. “How dare you try and kill me. I will send rocks down to kill you.”

Meenah: how didn't she sea jerry?  
Karkat: Well, she's filthy fucking rich.  
Forite: Eat the rich, says I.

I laughed. “You are no god. You have no power at all. Bow now to go, or I will sent you to the gates of hell.”

“No, I will defeat you,” she spat. Because of she said that I slit her slits and her lifeless body laid there. We put her head on a stake to show the followers of Artemis that she was a flake god, and that she was now burning in hell!

Rose: A FLAKE God? Heavenly dandruff must be hard to get rid of.  
Kanaya: On the bright side, they can make it rain cereal.

I went to the temple of Venus, who was kissing another women.

Forite: ...And? Is that a crime?  
Rose: Excuse me while I break the law, then. *ensues sloppy makeouts with Kanaya*  
Meenah: ...so do we-  
Forite: Please don't suggest such things! *bright green*

I decided thaw that she had sinned too much and that I was not going to give her a chance at all to repent. So I cut her head of and put it on a stake. And then all her followers converted to the way of our lord Jesus Christ, and they were sent back to the camp, to be baptized. We burnt the temple down for it was to poisoned by sinfulness that it was too late to be concerted into a church.

Karkat: Because Venus kissed a girl. Wow, you fucking murder pillage and burn, but kissing is the worst thing ever!  
Forite: You know, this isn't how I expected to live.

Everyone should read my brothers story The Brayer Warriors: A Believers Journal. It is very good, and very Christiane.

Meenah: ...are we gonna commentary that, too?  
Karkat: Fuck no.


	17. In which Forite promptly enters a calm state of rage and no one is safe.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> On this episode of fuck everything z, we are reminded why everyone hates Jesus. Meenah's weive is still fake.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OKAY HOO MAMA, MIND THE TAGS ON THIS ONE. THIS CHAPTER CONTAINS BOTH RAPE AND VICTIM BLAMING. PLEASE DON'T READ IT, I ALMOST DIED TRYING TO SPORK IT.
> 
> ...damn your curiosity. Fine. You had better thank me for this.

Chapter 17: Chapter 17

If you don like this storey sop revoking it! This is for Christens to read not for you stannic scrum!

Karkat: Yeah, well, your pants are fucking ugly.  
Kanaya: No, no. The pants are fine. His attitude is ugly.

And Noah you also sop telling me wart to do! Tis is my storey not yours. If kept telling me to sop wiring this stasis then I will have too disown you! Are you wit me or agonist me. All you people that clam to be Christians are lying! You burn in hell for your sins!

Rose: I think this is the part where he starts slowly going mad.  
Forite: Perish the thought, he was mad to begin with. He's just getting worse.  
Meenah: damn straight.

I Percy of Christ went with my army of Rod-fearing Christian shoulders to attack the temples of Sues

Everyone: WHAT!?  
Rose: It's fine, lesbians are just going to kill Jerry.  
Kanaya: *snerk*

and Poisons. And I talked to my army, “We are near to those fools hoe would murder us in our slap. These evil people will do any trickery to make us die, and they will be very dangerous. Do not believer a spinel thing to come out of their digesting moths. They will deserve you, so if they do so, don’t think wise to kill them, for there are dangerous and they worship Stan and accept the theory of Evolution which is a false theory, as man does not come from a monkey, but God, and God along. And God gave his onyx begotten son our lord Jessie Christ so that he could forgive us and send us to the eternal clones of Heaven, the gamest thing to ever exist where we can talk to Jesus Chris and his father and our father God the almighty, the protector of all that is holly and worships the one true God and his eternal son, our lord Jesus Christ, for died on the cross for our sin, which is the best thing to ever happen to us because if this neither happens then we would be burning in the eternal flams of bell, and God would refuse to forgive our sin, which came from the sinful Eve, the first women. And so we will march now and destroy all the is unduly! Go force! Amen.”

Meenah: this just makes fun of itself.  
Karkat: Hell no, that's our job!

And my army said, “We will follower your to were ever you will make us goo. We will kill all nonbeliebers if you tell us do so for they are unholy and only reserves a painful and painful death.

Forite: I heard it's very hard to get a reservation at Painful and Painful's. Not only are they expensive, you must literally go through hell to get there.  
Karkat: And the food tastes like shit.

God is Grete, and so is his eternal begotten son our lord and slavery Justus Christ.”

Rose: Augustus Christ, Augustus Christ, Thomas Brown really needs to die~  
Kanaya: Don't let him near a river of chocolate. That would be too good for him.

So we went into the temple of Zeus, and in the mina gall there was a man that was raping a incessant girl, who was screaming. We dragged the man by his hare to the center of the Rome AND we stoned him to death. We saved the girl because she was screaming, and that means that she wasn’t enjoying it. If she wasn’t screaming then it meant that she was enjoying it and that it was adultery, and she would have been stoned as well. 

Forite: ...  
Meenah: hit the deck again!  
Forite: No need, Meenah. I am calm. But this man... He should not exist. With that paragraph, he has revoked it. Rape is never the victim's fault. If one dresses provocatively, they aren't asking for it. After all, you're wearing flammable clothes, so are you asking to be set ablaze? Of course not. I have excused your ignorance thus far, but this? This is unforgivable. Mark my words, I will find you somewhere in these bubbles. And you will end up wishing you could die again.  
Karkat: ...that is fucking terrifying.

And we whet into the main chamber and I came on front of my father Zeus. “I disown you, you are not my father, and God is my father!” I yelled, because if I didn’t say that and then kill him, then I would be worthy of death.

Kanaya: Believe me, Percy, you're very worthy of death.  
Rose: And hell.

Now that he wasn’t my father, I could kill him. So I stabbed him in the heart, and he died. I dragged the boy out so that all his followers could see the he wasn’t a god. And all his followers become Christians.

Karkat: *as Percy* Welcome to the hive mind. Assimilate everyone who ever fucked up.  
Meenah: oh ship, they are a hive mind  
Rose: You're right... there's never any shift in tone or even distinctions in personality. They're like insects.  
Kanaya: That... is honestly scary.

We then went to the temple of Poseidon and slayed him, and killed all his followers. The temple of Zeus was turned into a church and Poseidons temple was burnt down.

Forite: And the award for most anticlimactic fight goes to...  
Rose: Any story but this one.

You Thorold Camping is a liver, you will burn in hell for your sinning and lying! The world has not ended!

*everyone laughs like the ending of a sitcom in the 80s*  
Karkat: Well, shit. We're actually almost done.  
Forite: Truly?  
Kanaya: Three more chapters.


	18. In which everything literally goes to hell and there is a doublefeature

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> DOUBLEFEATURE TIME!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So. I decided to run two chapters for the price of one! Yep, this time, we're doing 19 and 18 in a row, just so I can add in final thoughts at the end. If you have any requests on who should spork next, now's the time to ask.

Chapter 18: Chapter 18

I, Luke of Christ, the nocturnal savior and lord, commands an amy to defeat the evil gods Mars and Ares, who are too efferent gods so sop teaching me abound thing I now lots about.

Kanaya: I have so many questions, and this sentence answers none.  
Rose: I actually understand everything.

. I was once a Satanist that sortied fusel gods, but now I turn and am against there weevil ways, for al they do enlace apple! And now I free all people so tat they can know the ture way.

Forite: From what I understand, he's saying he got fired from processing sweets filled with lighter fluid, so he went to work on a farm to kill bugs with spears.  
Karkat: Why the fuck is he leading an army, then?  
Forite: He killed bugs with spears. Did you miss that?

And so talked to my followers, who were reedy for a goffering speech. And is aid “Behold the gravest thing to ever happen to world, and Tata is the defeat of the evil gods, and the gory of the one true almighty God and all his grittiness! We where all sinners, but now we are not for we have asserted Jesus Christ as a personal salary and lore, and now we will got the eternal parasite of Heaven! So now match to feet the evil gods of the geeks for these are too last false gosh to be edited!” And environ chaired, and was pout of tithe all!

Meenah: translation?  
Forite: His followers are either plants or gophers, he's really a first aid kit, they're all going to die because of breasts, God is a zombie flick protagonist, they live in a city called all sinners where they make a living on selling Jesus books, they want to be eaten by tapeworms, they need to revise a newspaper, and birds donate to charity.  
Kanaya: What language is this written in?  
Karkat: Idiot.

And so we went to the temple of Mars and we had a massage battle with their shoulders who were satanic scrums hoe deserves to deice. And once the battle was over, we berried our dead in true Christian method, bit all the satanic scum who we killed them all we let rot, for they were not going to Graven so there wasn’t not point in birdying them. And we looed everywhere but could not find Mars, for it turned out that he gone to the temple of Ares.

Meenah: yep. that battle sounds shella intense. maybe it'd sound cooler if you DESCRIBED IT  
Rose: Impossible! That'd make sense!

So we went to the temple of Ares and have another message battle and because God cared for us that he made us super throng! And so no of us died, but we killed all the nonbeliebers! And we did the same thigs as we did to the folly woes of Mars.

Karkat: I'm just imagining everybody burning a fucking orphanage.  
Kanaya: They would probably do that, you know.

And we went inroad the main chamfer and hound Mars and Ares talking. And one them said “Even if the kill us at least there is Hades to kill them all mercilessly and resonate us so that we can convince the world that we are actually reel gods.”

Meenah: aw SHELL NO. hold my weive.  
Forite: Meenah, please stay calm...

Mars said “I agree, we will be bigger than Jesus!” and he alighted a creel laugh. This mad me made that I had a massage battle with them. And I cut both of their heads off. And all the followers of Mars and Ares converted. But I was distressed and had to give a massage to Jerry and Percy Jackson, a butt Hades.

Everyone: *snicker*

And then I went and married Rachel for I loved her very much and though she would make a god house wife. And then we went to our rooms.

Forite: And then we hated Thomas Brown. And then we went insane.  
Karkat: Seriously, get a hold of yourself! *slap!*  
Forite: !!! Ahem... thank you. I needed that.

Chapter 19: Chapter 19

I have not got a new proof-reader and her name is Ebony Brown my cousin so there shouldn’t be any errors, are you happy now? And ignore my coward of a brother, he runs away like that, but he will return to the one true God!

Rose: *war flashbacks*  
Kanaya: Why did it have to be Ebony?

He is misguided and needs to be taught the true way of Christ and how you should take it like a man. Jesus didn’t run away from the cross but embraced it instead. You will return and you will be begging for forgiveness!

Karkat: Or, you know, this story to fucking end.  
Meenah: or death.

I will be writing one more chapter to this great story, so I can focus on my other story The Battle with the Witches. This story has told its message and now it is time to move on. I hope you enjoyed this beautiful story. I am sad that it is coming to an end. The next chapter will tie up any lose ends, and I will not disappoint you. May the glory of the one true God bless this great story, and may it last the test of time!

Forite: Did I read that right? It's almost done!?  
Karkat: There IS a God!  
Meenah: bout glubbin time!  
Kanaya: Thank goodness...  
Rose: I can honestly say that I'm the happiest I've ever been.

And behold Luke came before Jerry and Percy Jackson, as they celebrate the defeats of the evil gods of the Greeks. They and their army were singing songs praising the glory of the one true God and his eternal begotten son Jesus Christ. Luke didn’t want to distress them so he let them finish their song. Once they were finished, Luke told them, “Glory is upon God, the false gods Mars and Ares have been slayed, and all their followers have been baptized and are now followers of Christ. But despite our victory, I am distressed, for there is another threat. One false god remains, and his name is Hades, the protector of Hell!

Forite: Good. Let him stay there.  
Karkat: But that would be GOOD! No way they could fucking do it.

He is Satans most elite servant and the only way to defeat him is to travel into the depths of hell itself.”

Rose: Well, they're already on their way there.  
Kanaya: Not even Hell would want them.

Everyone screamed, not wanting to go to hell, but Jerry and Percy Jackson stepped up, “We will go by ourselves on behalf of all of you, if you do not dare to follow. We will honor God and his eternal son Jesus Christ, even if it remaining in the depths of hell! God is great and will honor us anyway. He is grateful in every way. And it will be an honor to serve such a great God. I pray to our lord and savior Jesus Christ that he will protect our every move! Amen and amen.”

Forite: Stupid stupid STUPID! Of course they don't want to go to hell!  
Meenah: isn't the point of hell to, you know, be a bad thing?

And everyone cheered for we were very brave.

Everyone: BULL. FUCKING. SHIT.

But we worked to the hours of the night finding the best way into hell, and after long laboring it was decided that we would say “Hail Satan” and have one of our shoulders kill us. And so this is what they did.

Karkat: That is the simplest plan ever, you fuck!  
Forite: Karkat, you're forgetting that he's stupid.

And in the next chapter I will talk about Percy Jackson and Jerrys adventures in hell, and how they managed to kill Hades! Amen and amen!

Meenah: We made it! whale, almost.  
Forite: Just one more. Stay strong, everybody!


	19. In which there is an exciting conclusion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's the end. We've come so far. Can everyone survive? Probably not.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is it, you guys. We finished the story. It was a long run, and I'm actually kinda sad that it's over. Thanks to everyone who put up with my bullshit. Thank God it's done.

Chapter 20: Chapter 20

Because Robert Siegfried asked me to do so, this will be the last chapter.

Forite: We've made it. This is the end, everyone.  
Karkat: It's about fucking time.

I will continue my other Prayer Warrior story The Battle with the Witches, but it will not be as forceful as this one (even though I do not see what is wrong with this). I will also like to thank Ebony Brown for proof-reading this story.

Kanaya: Before anyone asks, we will not be commenting on the second story.  
Rose: This was enough.

Behold we were in deeps of the evil Hell! It was really hot, and it made us sweat. In the heat we walked for what it seemed like many hours, but we knew it was only a few minutes according to Jerrys watch. We keep turning to see all the sinners chained up, it made us happy that these evil beings are being punished.

Meenah: just... chains? that doesn't sound too bad.  
Forite: It's certainly better than anything the "heros" have done.

Percy was glad that he had turned away from Satans path, and turned to God, so that he wouldn’t be punished like this at the final Judgement where the heavens open up and all the Christians go up to heaven and enjoy eternity with our lord and savior Jesus Christ. We soon came to a room, which was locked. So we prayed for an hour that God will make the door uncork itself and open and let us enter. And God answered our wishes and the door unlocked itself and we entered. 

Rose: We might as well rename this Deus ex Machina, the fanfiction.  
Karkat: You're only saying that just now?

And side was Hades himself. He looked even scarier than all the other false gods of the Greeks. He had burning red skin and brown satanic horns that were so long that they went around in circles many times. He bereaved out smoke from his ungodly noises, and his hands were burning with disgusting black flames. The sight was disturbing, but we knew that it was not as strong as he made himself out to be, and that God and his eternal only begotten holy son Jesus Christ of Narrative, our lord and savior would give us great strength and courage to defeat this evil satanic enemy that should before us.

Meenah: ...that doesn't sound scary.  
Kanaya: In his defense, we've seen Lord English.  
Forite: WHY are you defending him!?

And we stood up and said, “You evil rain of terror is about to end! For too long have you be sending death to all the Christians in painful ways. You have been serving Satan and that is a sin, and it is too be punished. I hope you burn in the eternal flames of hells because you deserve it, you evil sinner, the most devilish of them all! Because of you sins, God refuses to forgive you, which gives us no choice but to kill you. Behold your eternal fate, the eternal flames of hell! Amen!”

Karkat: He's already in hell! Goddamnit, they're stupid...  
Rose: So, wouldn't he enjoy it, then?

Hades laughed and said with an evil deep voice, “Fools of want to play fools game. You will never be able to defeat me. No one can beat me, not even God and his eternal begotten son Jesus Christ. They all fear me, and there is no way even a Christian can defeat me. No sword can stab me, because any stabs to me is creates no harm at all! And I am a master in sword fighting, greater than anything. I am the greatest of all the false gods of the Greek. There is no way on earth that you can beat me!”

Meenah: but you're in shell.  
Kanaya: How do you forget that?

And we said, “We are in hell, not on earth, and we have a weapon greater than a sword.” And so we dropped down and we prayed dearly to God that he can punish Hades. And Hades dropped to the ground and then blew up, caused by our prayer. “This is one lesson you should learn, never take on a Prayer Warrior! We will win all the time, for God is on our side!”

Meenah: coddamnit, you line stealers!  
Forite: That... is not how you write a climax.

And so we went back to the camp knowing that we had earned a place in heaven. And so the entire camp partied in a Christian Manner know that we can worship God safely, and knowing that America was a Christian nation again. And so we prayed and sang songs about God all night. And Percy then got married to Clarisse for they loved each other very much. And Satan ran back to England.

THE END

Karkat: Thank fuck it's over!  
Meenah: *throws culling fork at the screen* die, you shippy fic!  
*the theater then collapses around them*  
Rose: I'm just glad it's over... let's never speak of it again.  
Kanaya: Agreed.  
Forite: It's time we left. There's more to do than this.  
*later, as the theater is being repaired, one troll looks to the other*  
Construction Troll: Never a dull moment, eh?

~Fin~


	20. Final thoughts/I say

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everyone gives their final thoughts on the fanfic.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is basically one big afterthought.

Karkat: He's mainly hung up on the genocide part of the fanfiction. Almost losing his bulge also forced him to take a look at the amount of misogyny. Overall? He hates the bloody author not only for butchering him, but for being such a close minded shitmuffin.  
Final Grade from Karkat: F

Meenah: She thinks that the fic was offensive, yes, but it also had a special kind of charm to it. She considers it to be laughably bad, and good snark bait. Overall? She still hates the author for both his misogynistic bullshit and his tenuous grasp on things like logic.  
Final Grade from Meenah: -D

Forite: Her feelings to the fic range from disgust to murderous. She can't find the capacity to laugh at something so... downright hateful and prejudiced. Overall? She hates the author for being a dirty coward, as well as for him being intolerant of the way others think.  
Final Grade from Forite: F

Rose: Despite all of the disgust she feels to the content, her main issue with the fic is the grammar. Not only does the misuse of words piss her off, but the sheer insanity of the fic also makes her mad. Overall? She hates the author for his closemindedness as well as for his lack of motivation to even spellcheck the fic.  
Final Grade from Rose: F

Kanaya: She really can't even begin to understand the content OR grammar. She's very, VERY upset with the blatant misogyny, but she doesn't really like how little sense the fanfiction makes, either. Overall? She hates the author for his inability to comprehend simple things like differences in opinion, or the English language.  
Final Grade from Kanaya: F

I say: This fic was not easy to spork. The entire time, the Roman Catholic in me wanted to jump into a river because of this grossly conservative author. The fanfiction is done now, and I give it an F.

Final Grade: F. This fanfiction disgusted not only our five sporkers, but Drill as well. It was offensive, illegible, and completely insane. But it's finally finished, so we can all go home now.

**Author's Note:**

> That's all I can do right now, but if you want to subject yourself to torment, I ripped the fic from here:http://qazonwordpress.wordpress.com/2012/10/03/the-prayer-warriors-the-evil-gods-part-one-repost/
> 
> Once again, you're welcome.


End file.
